The Bend in the Road
by tomfoolerykitten
Summary: The gang accuses Barney of being too straight. Lily's beginning to get tired of Scooter's constant pining over her. If only he could find himself someone else... Barney only has one thing to say: challenge accepted!
1. Stage 1: The Challenge

**Disclaimer: All rights to the writers of How I met Your Mother. they're evil geniuses and i can't be nearly as funny as them. But i can try. **

**This is mainly due to the fact that I think if NPH and David Burtka can be together in real life, Barney and Scooter deserve a shot too. Even if it's totally unlikely. ;)  
**

Kids, you remember how I told you Aunt Lily's ex boyfriend, Scooter was still desperate for her to take him back no matter what it took? Well, there was a time, a brief time, when all that had changed.

It was a time seemingly no different than any other. It all started at Maclaren's, where our most monumental moments began. We were doing the usual rounds: ordering burgers and fries and drinks a-plenty. Marshall and Lily sat snug on one side of our booth while Robin and I sat at the other. Barney was as of yet a no show, but we'd hardly put it past him to make some grand entrance or other, stumbling in in what would be what he'd later call a _legendary _entry for the night. You both know how skewed Uncle Barney's views in life are.

As it happened, he didn't actually trip on anything this time around (god only knew, he'd done it the night before, having had a brutal run in with a stool, which saw him falling flat on his face. He was back up in no time, like an Olympic gymnast, sticking the landing. And the only thing he was preoccupied with was whether or not he'd scuffed his suit on the way down.) Anyway, by the time Barney had decided to finally grace us with his presence, we were all in a heated discussion about the pros and cons of never having seen Barney's doppelganger. (Which eventually escalated into a full-blown argument, since Lily was still convinced the hot dog stand guy bore a striking resemblance.)

"Are you all ready," Barney began in his best announcer's voice as he strode **cough** stumbled to the booth on two left feet, "to experience the biggest spontaneous combustion simultaneously occurring in a four way-" he stopped to guffaw with his little smirking hum of a laugh when he laughed at his own jokes. "-see what I did there? Four. Way. _Nice_."

He held up his hand in wait for a high five. Lily frowned at his most recent crude comment, turning away in disgust with the slightest roll of her eyes as Marshall reluctantly returned the high five. He knew as well as all of us not to leave Barney hanging. He may never give up.

"So what's this about spontaneously combusting?" Robin inquired skeptically as Barney plunked down in the chair at the end of the table.

"Yes," Barney nodded, regaining his focus. He deliberately thrust his hand into his wallet and pulled out what looked to be numerous pictures. "Prepare to witness the cutest kid only on the face of the planet!"

Lily scrunched up her face. "Barney, you of all of us, except maybe Robin are always the one telling us how much you hate kids."

"Ah, I say that Lily. I say that," Barney shook his head. "Little do you know that the Stinsons are _destined_ to bring forth only legendary descendants. You will never find a loser Stinson. Ever! You know why?"

"Because you're legendary?" Marshall offered helpfully, with a small upturn of his lips.

"Yes!" Barney conceded with a grin, now settling down to business in passing around the photographs of, now that I could get my hands on one, appeared to be a toddler no older than four years old. "I often say there is little use for kids unless you can take them around with you to impress chicks. But what I say is truth, my friends. Nathan makes an excellent wingman. Possibly the best. My dear brother, James even allows me to put him in a… wait for it… wait for it…"

I dropped my cheek into my waiting hand, knowing this was going to take a while. "…Suit!" It figured. "Kids in suits are just the darnedest things."

"That's not healthy," Lily murmured, shaking her head. "After all, kids are supposed to run around and play and get dirty and-"

"You would make a _horrible_ mother!" Barney retorted matter of factly, as if it made no difference that she and Marshall were currently trying for a baby. "Have you not been listening? Never restrict a child from being able to do what their elders tell them to. And if that means suiting up to bag a few senoritas, then leave them to it!"

~.~.~.~.~

The night went on like that for some time. I have to tell you, your Uncle Barney may seem like a shallow character, but deep down, there's a confusing complex human being in there. It only takes the right person to bring that sane, emotional human being out of that sexist, womanizing pig. (And don't tell him I called him that).

"Hey, so do you ever find it weird that your nephew has two dads?" Marshall inquired off-hand like. As if it wasn't supposed to be a big thing. He took a swig of his beer.

Barney scrunched up his face. "Marshall, I tell you now, it does not matter who Nathan's parents are so long as they are legendary and can teach him how to become the best wingman a Bro could ever ask for," he replied easily, slumping back in his chair. "In fact, it might even be to his favour to have two dads. All the more experience in being a Bro."

"Could you imagine Barney having kids with another guy?" I asked of the table, a little laugh slipping out before I could stop myself. Barney having kids was one thing. Barney being with another_ man_ was another.

"Oh, like _that _would ever happen," Marshall snorted in appreciation for my realization.

"Yeah, it's not as if you _want_ kids," Robin conceded.

"And lets face it, Barney. You're too straight to swing that way."

Barney raised a tenacious brow. "You think I'm too _straight_ to get with another Bro? Ted! You're practically a woman- come here! Come…"

He tried to wrestle me into a headlock in order to do god only knows what. When that failed, he tried to reach for Marshall.

"Oh no," Marshall shook his head, rearing back away from Barney. "Not this again. Never again. Besides. It wouldn't count if you tried getting all mushy on us. You do that _all_ the time."

Barney returned to his regular position in his chair. He fixed his gaze on Marshall and held it there for an intense moment. "Marshall Ericson, I accept that challenge."


	2. Stage 2: The Flirtation

**A/N: Um... so this is the part where I realise that I'm really not that funny. *shakes head* sorry, guys. if by any chance, you do give a little giggle at something I've said, do let me know. Cuz comedy is not something I write very often, so this is a big challenge for me. (That and Barney's an interestingly complex character despite his one dimensional nature.) I've tried to keep the narration as canon as possible because I sort of feel like straying away from it would take away from all that How I Met Your Mother is. Anyway. Thank you, readers for sticking with me. And I'm sorry if i don't update regularly, believe it or not, this mindless comedy does take a lot of concentration and effort and with university starting in two days, Miss Tomkitten is gonna be rather busy... (can't blame me really, huh?)**

**We've got some Lily/Marshall goodness ahead... yay! ^^ Scooter will show up eventually, for those of you who are like "hmm... where is that guy anyway?" just, bear with me. i'm just getting comfortable with the characters the first couple chapters. xD **

**Anyway... enjoy. :) **

Well, we all went home later that night with quite a few things on our minds. For one, Barney was already considering his next move in possibly seducing another man. Ironically, of course, he'd started his mission the moment he'd announced its acceptance.

Kids, let me tell you now, your Uncle Barney is probably the most skilled man at flirting with people his own gender I have ever known.

…Just kidding. He sucked. It was actually embarrassing.

_Really_ embarrassing.

And hilarious.

"Hey," was his first move as he approached the first guy who walked through the front door to the bar. He passed the poor bemused newcomer a casual nod. "Barney Stinson. You hear I'm awesome?" He'd said, all nonchalant and cool, leaning against the bar counter, one leg bent over the other.

The man frowned, preparing to move away. Barney took an evasive step toward him, visibly popping his personal bubble with his mighty challenge needle. "You wanna see just how awesome I am? …upstairs? In the bedroom?"

"_Dude_!" Robin and I both gasped all at once, gawping in horror at Barney's choice lie of the night. It was one thing for me to bring girls up to our apartment. It was a second thing for Robin to bring guys up to our apartment. But it was quite another for Barney to bring his latest escapade up to_ our_ apartment. (Emphasis on the _our_, if you didn't get it.) The fact of the matter was, that apartment was Robin's and mine. Impressing chicks by proving that we live above the bar was _my _thing. And no one stole my thing.

Except maybe Robin. But that's a whole other story.

Luckily enough, Barney's man of choice was either too macho to handle his less than straight advances or was very gay and very unwooed and insulted. The next thing we knew, Barney had been slapped hardcore across the face so fast, it literally made his head spin. "You wanna take this outside?" the guy, who now in hindsight was far taller and bulkier and resembling something of the Incredible Hulk, threatened, grabbing Barney up by the collar. The perfectly shined tips of Barney's designer shoes hovered about two or three inches above the ground.

"Do I?" Barney replied in a less than fearful and more than provocative way, evil mastermind smirk spreading across his face.

Next thing we knew, Barney was being flung headfirst through the door leading to the back alley just outside Maclaren's. That's right. Where such things happened as the Whip Incident or that time that we got into a fight with the Doug the bartender. Or that time when Barney trashed all those TVs. Yeah. A lot of stuff goes on in that alley.

So. His first attempt at less than straight flirtations didn't go so well.

He came back looking pretty out of shape. Blood gushing from his nose. Lip split. A pretty impressively blooming black eye… It was _pretty_ remarkable.

What followed was the most fantastic performance I've ever seen of Barney's. And who knows? Some of it may have been genuine, if the torn cuff of his suit sleeve said anything. But there Barney was, slumped down into the closest bar stool, looking… well. Pretty darn sad. It started with a sniffle. A quick glance up to see that he had a participating audience. Naturally, he did. Most regulars at Maclarens, ourselves included knew Barney's antics well and at least found them an excellent amusement for the night.

He placed his head in his hands and began all out bawling, shoulders shaking.

"This is never gonna work," Lily shook her head, ever the skeptic when it came to Barney's luring tactics. Funny. I can't think of a time when Lily said that and was right.

Of course, it worked. Ironic thing was, at least half a dozen girls came flocking to him like paperclips to a magnet. Not a single guy. "Look at this! L-look at this!" He lifted up his arm to expose his torn cuff. "A perfectly good suit. Ruined. This was Armani! I'm gonna miss you, buddy. We had so, so many good memories." He choked at his last words, signaling Wendy the Waitress to get him another drink while he thought his harem of sympathetic bimbos weren't looking.

Uncle Barney may have been genuinely upset by the loss of yet another suit to one of his fickle so called "challenges". Maybe we'll never know. But the best part of it? The girls around him began passing one another strange looks. Some mouthed the word_ Armani_ as if they were onto him. Smart bimbos. There was a first time for everything.

They backed off, one by one.

"No!" Barney gasped as soon as he recognized what was going on. "No no no no no! This isn't supposed to happen this way!"

"Sorry bro," I shrugged from our booth a few feet away. "You can't have it both ways."

"Yeah, I think for once, you actually pulled off a gay vibe." Lily smirked, looking rather pleased with herself. She turned to Marshall, placing her hand on his thigh. "Well. It's getting late. We should probably head out, hey baby?" she inquired, patting her husband's leg affectionately before they both scooted out of their booth.

~.~.~.~.~

What each of us didn't know was that something was also weighing heavily on your Aunt Lily's mind. With Lily and Marshall living in their apartment a good distance away, we understood it would take some time for them to get home. And then they had their finicky nightly rituals before bed. Things like that took time. And of course, we all knew about Lily's habit of falling asleep in the taxi after drinking too much. Not that she drank much at all that night, kids.

What we didn't know was that Lily wasn't tired at all. In fact, she was wide awake. "Marshall?" she'd asked as soon as they'd returned home and closed the front door behind them.

Marshall turned to acknowledge her. "Yes, Lily Pad?" he inquired absently.

"D-d'you really think we didn't see Barney's doppelganger?" There was a trace of concern in her voice that no doubt made your uncle Marshall uneasy.

"Of course not," he replied easily enough, turning away so that she might not catch his guilty glance. "It was definitely Barney's doppelganger. Bore a striking resemblance. Down to the last crease in his forehead when you went up to him and tried to yank his wig off after Barney, Ted and Robin had left. Which was awesome, by the way. Moments like that remind me why I married you."

Lily forced a small, sad, smile. "Yeah. But am I crazy? I mean, you obviously see it. But Barney and Robin and…"

"It doesn't matter," Marshall reassured her, approaching her so he might gently press his large, square hands to her shoulders. "It only matters that we saw it. And that's enough for us. Right?"

Lily nodded. "I guess." She conceded with the slightest pout. "I just... wish I knew. For sure. I mean… if we're destined to have a baby now, how do we know? What if we were wrong?"

"We'll just know."

"Yeah…" Lily nodded again, this time, more assured of herself. "Yeah. We'll… we'll just know."


	3. Stage 3: The Cafeteria

**A/N: Can I just say how much I love Scooter? I just want to hug him and squeeze him and shrink him down and put him in my pocket. He's just the cutest thing. ^_^ That and I'm sorry there isn't any of the Barnacle in this chapter. I'm sure he's off being awesome elsewhere... knowing him. ;)**

The next day, your Aunt Lily had to work. As did the rest of us. Unfortunately for her, she had to face something completely different from what the rest of us did on a daily basis. There was Marshall, who had to deal with the corporate tools of the banking industry; Robin, who had to deal with early morning newscasters who still remained lax about what they did and did not say on the air; me, who had to deal with anxious, yet aspiring new young architects and Barney who… well, no one quite knew what he did and you both know he still keeps that secret close to this very day. But we know for certain that he dealt with guys… well… exactly like Barney. But Lily? Lily had to deal with this:

"Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily _Lily_…!"

And you've gotta believe me when I tell you that's not coming from her kindergartners.

You see, kids. You remember the time I told you about how Marshall tried to convince Lily to get Scooter off her hook? Well, she never did. Sad part was, he was still working as good ol' Lunch Lady Scooter… or Lunch Lady _Bill_ as he liked to be called nowadays.

"Lily, I've got your enchilada, just the way you like it," Scooter explained, blinking furiously with those wide doe eyes that not even Marshall could resist. There, he held the dish expectantly in his hands, in await for the final moment when Lily would appreciate something he'd done and maybe- maybe just love him again. He had better luck looking more like Kurt Cobain. "I-I took off all the cheese because I remembered how you used to be lactose intolerant. Then I thought maybe there were a lot of kids who were also lactose intolerant and almost took the cheese off of half the other enchiladas. But then I realized that none of that mattered. Because the only thing that matters and has ever matters is you, Lily. It's you. Please love me. Please, please please love me. I know you feel it, deep in your heart."

Lily bit her lip, her mind reeling with the daily internal conflict. How to deny that sweet little face? She'd considered how she would treat one of her students. "Scooter, only big boys play with Lily. Only big boys… named Marshall. And if you can't play nicely, you're going to have to sit in the corner!"

"Oh!" Scooter spluttered in a sort of reverent way that said perhaps he didn't actually hear a word she said, only that she said them. "Oh, Lily. Are you saying if I changed my name for you, you would love me again? In the words of Shakespeare, what's in a name? Were a rose called by any other name, it would still smell as sweet."

Lily rolled her eyes with a sigh at his paraphrased quoting. "No, Scooter. I don't want you to change your name. I didn't want you to become a lunch lady. I didn't want you to become a waiter and I_ didn't_ want you to look even more like Kurt Cobain!"

"That's because you've finally excepted me for who I am!" Scooter simpered joyously with a little bounce in his heels, his fingers digging into the countertop as he leaned in as far as he could without slipping face first into the bean dip. "Oh Lily! I couldn't ask for anything more! Maybe tomorrow, we could talk about getting married! It'll be so perfect! Lily, you're the reason why I come into work every day!"

~.~.~.~.~

"This has got to stop," Lily exclaimed later at home. "I can't keep seeing him every day and have him garbling my words! I am trying so hard!"

"Well, he does have the sweetest, cutest puppy dog face_ ever_," Marshall conceded absently with a slight incline of his head. He even managed a little coo at the end. There was a trace of light that flickered in his eyes when he had that habit of falling into deep man-love with a guy outside of our circle. It made Barney's current escapade all the more worthy of failure. In order to pass this "challenge" of his, he'd have to reach the Marshall level of man-love. He would have to see that genuine plea for attention, for acceptance, for compassion in someone like Scooter's eyes and want to sympathise. Barney would never do that without suppressing it to his utmost ability before hand. And was Barney really that willing to let himself go around another man?

Sure, he'd done it before around a thousand woman, one after another after another. Most of them had been faked or lies. But he made himself vulnerable, the precise tactic Scooter inadvertently used on a daily basis with Lily. Either that, or he _chose_ to play dumb with Lily. Blissful ignorance. Sometimes I envied that.

It was this that got me thinking, in the bar that night after Marshall had filled me in on the latest Scooter Incident. Robin frowned, slipping into the booth next to me. "Someone get into an accident? I hear no one's used one of them since like the nineteen nineties." She put on that face that said she thought she was being funny and that she anticipated a laugh. I managed a dry cough of one for her benefit, but shook my head and turned down my lip to let her know that it was a pity laugh. "I'm funny, damn it." She shook her head.

"So, what's this theory you've got then?" she inquired, taking a swig of her beer.

"One where we turned Scooter into a monkey and seduced Barney with those cute little sad eyes until he had no choice but to fall in love with him and then change him back before he noticed?" Marshall interjected helpfully.

I frowned, trying to cover up the appreciative smirk that was beginning to cross my lips.

"Hey, that monkey had better be suited…" Robin only got so far before bursting into laughter. "Suited up!" Her head rolled into her waiting arms across the table as her shoulders heaved. "A monkey in a suit! Classic!"

"She has a point," I murmured, a sudden thought occurring to me.

Marshall's face lit up. "We get to turn Scooter into a monkey? That's only what I've ever dreamed of! …You know. Ever since I thought of Scooter as a monkey five minutes ago…"

"No. I think if we can convince Scooter to do all these things that Barney likes under the pretence that Lily wants him to, then we can help Barney win his challenge thing he's so set on doing."

"Helping Barney win a challenge?" Marshall pondered in genuine curiosity. "Isn't that cheating?"

I shook my head. "No. It'd just be nudging him in the right direction. Plus, it'd take Scooter off Lily's back for a while."

"Okay!" Marshall granted with a nod. "I like it. But we can't tell Barney. It'd just make him weird. …And _hilarious_! Let's tell him. Ted, we should tell him. Can we tell him? Huh huh huh?"

"We can't," I disagreed. "If we tell Barney, he'd try to go after Scooter on his own and that will hardly work…"

"Yeah. And it'll be _hilarious_…!"

"I think… I think this should be genuine for once. After all, if Scooter does things that Barney likes, then Barney won't be doing any of his hocus pocus and magic mirrors and all that. He'll be feeling genuine feelings for someone for once. And god knows, Scooter's an emotional guy."

"Ted, what the hell are you trying to do- turning Barney on to guys?" Robin frowned in skepticism. "I mean, you're pretty much doing the impossible here."

"All the more reason to attempt it. Maybe- maybe this is what Barney needs. Maybe all this sleeping around and using women is just a way to cope with the fact that he's struggling with his sexuality."

"You think he's struggling with his _sexuality_?" Robin asked, brows now _raising_ in her skepticism. "Okay. I will admit, there is something disturbingly wrong with that guy's head, but I sort of know where he's coming from. I mean… he's not ready for commitment. He doesn't want kids. But he likes sex. I mean, what man doesn't?"

"And… that's precisely why you guys dated in the first place," I reminded her. "And… the reason why you broke up, if I do recall. I think it's time that Barney step away from the no strings attached relationship. Even for a little while. Besides, a major change in pace might be good for him."

"With men? I don't know if you've noticed, Ted, but_ hello_, he definitely doesn't swing that way."

"Which is why he took the challenge."

Robin shook her head. "Barney continues to shock, disturb and confuse me. I will never understand that man."

"Nor will we all, Robin. Nor will we all."


	4. Stage Four: The Conspiracy

**A/N: I know, this is a long time for an update for me. But I think settling into university takes precedence. That and until now, I've kind of been flying by the seat of my pants in this story. I had no idea where this was going besides the fact that Barney and Scooter would at some point get together. But now I have a plan. So hopefully, if my busy schedule will let me, I can update more regularly. Huzzah!**

"Ted!" Barney exclaimed, bursting into the apartment the following day. I often figured I should lock the door. You know Uncle Barney. No sense of propriety at all. But as you know today, kids, he got better. And it was all thanks to what happened next.

"Freestyle five way in the White House jacuzzi. Who's in?"

I frowned, leaning forward in my chair. "What does that _mean _and how is it even physically_ possible_?"

"Who cares? All that matters is we need to bathing suit up! Or not…" Barney approached me, reaching his arm out for a fist bump.

I exhaled in irritation, ignoring his request and leaving him hanging. He dropped his arm with a disappointed shrug. "Okay. Barney… We have to lay down some new ground rules."

"_What_? But Ted! White House _jacuzzi_!"

"No. Barney, no," I shook my head. "As part of your challenge, you can't sleep with another woman until you've successfully hit on another dude."

"But Ted, that's _ridiculous_! Hitting on women is like breathing. If I don't hit on women, I'll die. Ted, do you want me to die? Because I don't want to die! I haven't not hit on women for eleven years."

"Then just do it with men and imagine they're girls. Problem solved." I shrugged as if this wasn't as big a deal as it was.

"No. Ted, no. This is where the Barnacle puts his foot down. Just for that, you're out of the freestyle five way in the White House jacuzzi. Instead it'll just be a four way at the strip club The White House downtown starring yours truly," Barney pointed dramatically to himself with a defiant smirk. "I didn't want you to come anyway. I'm so much awesomer without you."

He made to leave, slamming the door behind him. I shook my head at his antics. It was only time before he was back again. "And just so you know, you're a _horrible_ wingman. Good day!"

"That's what you said before you hired Randy and then got hit by a bus and almost…"

"I said _good day_!" Barney exclaimed before storming out once more. Fortunately, that time, he didn't come back. I slumped back in my chair, pondering everything that had just happened. I sometimes wished Barney was easier to deal with. But then I wouldn't have stories like these to tell you kids.

~.~.~.~.~

Later that day, Marshall and I headed off to Lily's school to confront Lunch Lady Scooter and execute stage one of our ingenious plan.

"So… what're we gonna do? Just go up to him and…" Marshall wondered brokenly as we entered the cafeteria. He was a little nervous confronting the only other man his wife had ever been with. Not to mention, he had trouble resisting the apparent Bambi eyes Scooter possessed. If all else failed, it would be up to me. And I was deterred by nothing when I was on a mission. I repeat: _nothing._

"Inconspicuously tell him what he should do to impress Lily. But we're not actually telling him things Lily likes. It's all for Barney," I explained in terms that Marshall could understand.

"Right," Marshall nodded, swallowing thickly. "Right. I can do that. But Ted… what if he-" He bit his lip. "What if he _looks_ at me?"

"Just don't look at him. It'll be fine."

Marshall nodded again, taking a deep breath. "Okay. Vanilla Thunder is in. Let's do this!" He made his way toward the lunch counter where the little kids were being served.

"Hey, Marshall," I addressed him loudly and deliberately as we advanced in the line. "I've been talking to your wife,_ Lily_ and you know what she wishes you would do more?"

"Why no, Ted. What does my wife, Lily whom I love so much wish I would do more?" Marshall replied, his volume equivalent to mine. His lips split into that grin that most children got when they knew they were playing a prank.

"She wishes you would wear suits! She says you're just not that manly without one and she would fall all over you if you wore one more often."

"Why, Ted. Maybe that is why we haven't had sex in a while!"

The elderly teacher (who looked suspiciously like a librarian) in front of us turned to glare at us from behind her spectacles while the kids behind us inquired what sex was. And then proceeded to repeat the word in chant. The whole room (besides the chanting children) fell dead silent.

Marshall coughed. "Did I say sex? What a horrible and hilarious mistake of me. I mean _six_. We haven't had six… _pancakes_ in a while. My wife and I _love_ pancakes. So delicious with their fluffy interior and the syrup ontop…" He'd closed his eyes as if visualizing those pancakes. He raised his fists as if holding imaginary cutlery.

"_Focus_!" I hissed, nudging him in the ribs.

"Right." Marshall shook himself out of it. "Oh. There he is. Ted… What do I do? What do I say? He's looking over here! What's he doing? Does he see me?" He trained his eyes to the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

I leaned forward, clearing my throat. "Did you hear?" I inquired conspiratorially to the incredibly innocent looking Scooter, all decked out in hair net and everything. "Lily Aldren likes men in suits."

Scooter leaned toward me. "_Really_? _I_ could be a man in a suit!" He exclaimed giddily. "You think she would like that?"

"_Totally_," I replied, enunciating the syllables to emphasise my point. "More than anything. Even better? She's gonna be at Maclaren's Bar tonight. You should come see her."

"_Really_?" he exclaimed again. "Oh, that would mean the world to me! I have to find myself a suit! I know!" He gasped. "I still have the one I wore to her wedding!"

I frowned. "Even after Brad practically mauled you?"

He blinked. "Yes. But I took it to the tailor to fix it up. I can still detect the smell of Lily where tried to drag me out herself… She smells of lilies."

"Of course she does," I nodded in complete understanding. This guy just got weirder and weirder. "Anyway. Maclaren's Bar. Seven o'clock tonight. Suit up!"

"I'll be there! Rain or shine. Lily, my dear heart I'm coming to you!"


	5. Stage 5: The Suit Up

**A/N: Where's that sensitive side to Barney we claim to love so much? Oh wait... here it is! The moment has come where we finally shove Barney and Scooter in a room together. We'll see just how disastrously that goes. (And how we define disastrously is debatable. ;)) A shout out to the reviewers: **

**Jexi0322: What's that? You like Scooter? What a crazy random happenstance, so do I! You must be in the right place then! ;)**

**Seasidegrl: Forgo my education? Hmm... that's a stretch. I will try to update as often as possible though. ^^**

Kids, there was one major step we forgot in our plan. Had we not been gently reminded, the whole thing could have been turned on its head.

"You did _what_ during your lunch break today?" Lily seethed at Marshall later that day. Fortunately I wasn't there to witness this, otherwise I would gotten an earful, considering it was my idea. "You can't just invite my practical stalker ex-boyfriend to Maclaren's like that! Now he'll be there every single night and we won't be able to get rid of him! We'll have to find a new bar! Did ya ever think about _that_, Marshall Ericson?"

"It may have slipped Ted's mind," Marshall admitted solemnly with a shrug.

"It may have slipped _Ted's_ mind?" She gritted her teeth in the classic Aunt Lily style when she got_ really_ angry. "This was _Ted's_ idea? I have worked too hard to keep Scooter off my back for the past years to have _Ted_ ruin everything by inviting him to _Maclaren's_! I don't even know how the fudge he found out where I _work_!" Kids, she didn't say fudge. She said something else.

"Baby," Marshall spluttered, pulling his lip out. He blinked, fiddling with his hands. "You're not gonna be at Maclaren's at seven o'clock tonight."

Lily took a breath, coming down a peg from her rage. "I'm not?"

He shook his head. "Ted and Barney are fighting so I called Barney earlier asking him to meet at the bar tonight. It's just gonna be him and Scooter."

"Him and…" Lily frowned, the cogs in her head processing this information at an incredible speed. "Oh no. No no no no no. You cannot sick Scooter on Barney. That's not fair."

"Are you sure about that, baby?" Marshall challenged bravely. "I mean, they're just as bad as each other."

"Barney will eat him up and spit him back out, crying like a little baby," Lily replied confidently. She blinked. "_Oh_."

"Yeah," Marshall nodded enthusiastically.

Lily thought this over with a cock of her head. She shrugged. "Eh. I approve."

~.~.~.~.~

We all know Barney Stinson. Self proclaimed legend and awesomest man in the world. Charismatic humanitarian… you know him. Looks _great_ in a suit. In fact, more than great. Fab-u-wait for it… lous! (Alright, you adorable little twerps, that was a lot less gay in my head.) Yes, that was me. And still _is_ me, believe it or not. Yes. Believe it. I'm that awesome. I was awesome then and I'm awesome now.

Barney… stop trying to tell the story. You're ruining the moment.

Anyway kids, we do all know Barney Stinson, believe it or not. And he stood there, all alone at Maclaren's Bar that night, sucking down a bottle of beer and staking out the joint a.)for beautiful women (per usual) and b.)a new wingman. Now you remember the last time Barney and I got into a fight and my wingman status was declared null and void. We all know how _that_ ended. With Barney strung up head to toe in plaster for weeks after an unfortunate run in with a bus. Yeah, ouch. So, suffice to say it was no use seeking out a new wingman Bro simply because I just can't be beat when it comes to the ladies. Plus, your Uncle Barney and I are a team. We work together.

…'Cause I'm his _best_ friend and that's what_ best_ friends do.

… Yeah, kids, Marshall's still my best friend.

…It's a tie.

Whatever you say, Barney.

So, like I said, Barney was alone that night, seeking out a new Bro and a new woman or two. In walks the most impeccably dressed man Barney has ever seen besides the narcissistic devil he sees in the mirror every day. He wore a grey suit over a black waist coat over a blue button up dress shirt. With a decadent black and white polka-dotted bow tie.

…It wasn't the suit Scooter wore to Lily's wedding. As expected, the suit was damaged beyond repair and the tailor seemed to have somehow convinced gullible Scooter that the suit was the very same, just with _minor_ adjustments. But I'll admit, he cleaned up well.

Barney took in the sight of the newcomer and you can believe he was impressed. He approached him. "A for effort," he commented nonchalantly, taking another swig of his beer. "You know, not many men have the courage to suit up in bars. Fact of the matter is, you suit up, you get to bang chicks."

"That's what _Lily_ said!" Scooter exclaimed enthusiastically.

Barney passed him a skeptical look. "Tsh… like _Lily_ would say that." He shook his head. "I know she has a thing for me," he added helpfully, proudly adjusting his tie. "She won't admit it. But it's true. Baby wants me bad."

Scooter's face scrunched into a multitude of emotions. "But- but… I _love _Lily."

"Sure ya do," Barney conceded, throwing his arm over Scooter's shoulder. He pressed his hand to the opposite shoulder and squeezed. "Everyone in this world loves Lily at some point or another. There comes a time when you have to let it go and go for the Jessicas, the Samanthas, the Jennifers in this world. They are all just as tasty as each other. Unless they're fat ugly whores who don't seem to give a crap about their body image. What is up?" He raised his hand for a high five. Scooter was hesitant to oblige, having no idea what just happened.

And kids, somehow a few hours later, this turned into _this:_

"And then she left me for this douch bag in a suit! He wasn't even as awesome as me!"

Yep, Uncle Barney was slumped over the bar, in a flood of drunken tears over his first girlfriend Shannon. Again. "I mean, sure, I tapped that, but it wasn't enough! It wasn't enu-huh-huf!"

"Lily did that to me too!" Scooter cried, equally hunched over the bar as Barney. "I just wish there was something I could do to make her see! She still loves me, I know she does! Why can't she see-hee-hee? Lily why? _Why_?"

It was then they enveloped each other in an embrace that would change Barney's world completely. "Don't worry buddy, I'm here for you!" he cried over Scooter's shoulder. "We-we have each other!"

"Bros!" Scooter conceded. (He caught on quick, this one.)

"Bros!"

**A/N: Scooter's suit is inspired by the most recent pics NPH has put up of himself and David from Fashion Week. I simply couldn't resist. God bless him and his sexy boyfriend, my goodness. Did it just got hot in here or what?**


	6. Stage 6: The French Kiss

**A/N: I think I'll just let you guys get on with it this time because I think we all deserve it. ;)**

Kids- what happened next was hardly for innocent ears. But I'm gonna tell you anyway, just don't tell your mother. She didn't want me to tell you this story until you were older. _Much _older. But the way I see it, I've already told you much worse.

It was a strange night, that following night at Maclaren's. The gang had all reconvened in our usual turf in that booth that we called our own after Barney's run in with Scooter the previous night. Having no immediate idea how our plan had worked out, Marshall and I were on edge while Lily kept a sharp eye out for Scooter in case he try to ambush her. We'd soon find she'd have nothing to worry about. Robin lounged back in her seat, having nothing to worry about but her beer and the three o'clock news report she'd have to make to a practically non-existent demographic. It had taken her some time to get over Don stealing her dream job. But she seemed to be doing well a month after the fact.

You can imagine her shock, though (having dated Barney) at seeing him enter not with his usual performance but on the arm of another man. Marshall and I exchanged a meaningful glance and shared a silent psychological conversation.

_Dude, you think he actually hit that last night?_ my facial expression said.

_I dunno,_ was what Marshall's said, his eyes narrowing as he beheld the "couple". _But they're touching each other. That's gotta mean something._

_ Yeah, _I thought at him. _But Bros touch each other all the time._

_ Really, Ted? Really?_

_ Well… in a platonic way… You know what I mean!_

We ended our internal conversation with a lot of questions on our minds. Like why Barney had his arm slunk around Scooter's waist. And how they got there. And dear god… what was with the display of dueling _tongues_?

"Woah woah woah! TMI! PDA!" Marshall gasped, shielding his face with his hands. Robin and I gave him a confused look. He shrugged. "What? Just keeping with the times, you know."

It wasn't even as if Barney was shoving his tongue down Scooter's throat. Quite frankly, we saw Barney do that to a different woman at least three times a night. This was something completely different. This was _playful_. They were_ laughing_, with only eyes for _each other_. And I'm pretty sure they were holding hands.

I wasn't sure whether to feel accomplished or disturbed. There was one thing for sure…

I'd created a monster.

Of all the time I'd put together this little scheme to help Barney along with his "challenge", I'd thought it was fun. I thought it'd be a good joke, seeing Barney crash and burn time and time again because he just didn't have what it took to romance a man like he could romance (and bed) a woman. God only knew what type of bonding went on last night in this very bar.

"Oh, hey guys! I didn't even see you there," Barney greeted us, shaking himself out of his little love stupor. "Haaaaave you met Dave?"

"For the last time, it's Bill. Call me Bill," Scooter murmured, his puppy-dog eyes barely leaving Barney for an instant.

"That's funny. I totally see you as a David. Weird." Barney shook his head, slipping into the booth on my side. The rest of us sucked in a breath as Scooter awkwardly organized himself next to Lily. Her eyes went wide, periodically glancing back at him out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't very inconspicuous at all.

Scooter didn't even seem to notice her, so absorbed was he in dragging Barney's hand across the table to him. Barney sighed with a fond shake of his head as he took a sip of his beer.

"What the hell happened last night?" I blurted, unable to contain myself anymore. This was weird. So so very weird. And awkward.

"We fell in love," Scooter muttered without any other prompts. Lily spat her beer in a giant spray across the table, smattering Barney in the face. He frowned, picking up his napkin and wiping his face down. "Ooh, Barney, I could have done that for you!" he exclaimed eagerly, squeezing Barney's hand over the table. The bat of his eye lashes made my stomach convulse a little. What had I done?

"We talked," Barney shrugged. "And turns out, we have more in common than we thought. Turns out Davi- Bill… gosh, _why _do I keep doing that?" Barney shook his head, a silly grin unfurling across his face. "Turns out Bill's an awesome guy! He woulda made a legendary Bro."

"…But then as fate has it, we were meant to be more than just Bros. Destiny sent me to Maclaren's last night." Scooter's eyes were glimmering with hope, his lips twitched into a grin that matched Barney's. Hoo boy. This was gonna be a doozy.

"I'm gonna go get another round," I offered, indicating that everyone should scoot over to let me through. I passed Barney a pointed glare.

"I… will come with you," he conceded mechanically, reluctantly dropping Scooter's hand. Scooter's face fell at the lack of physical contact and even made to leave his seat. "You know, for emotional support. Poor Ted, can't get a girl. Needs some consoling now that we're so dog-gone happy!"

A certain amount of goopy face making occurred between Barney and Scooter for a long, awkward moment before Barney led me to the bar.

"What's up?" Barney inquired nonchalantly, leaning against the bar.

"What the hell's going on?" I interrogated in such a tone that the gang wouldn't overhear.

"What? I met Bill last night and he's a great guy and that's it."

I cocked my head with a frown. "So… this has nothing whatsoever- nothing at all to do with Marshall's challenge? None? Zip. Zilch. None?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Barney pondered curiously. "Are you feeling alright, Ted? I didn't accept any _challenge_." He put the word in air quotes, adding an eyebrow raise for good measure. "We just really like each other. Is that so hard to accept?"

"Um… yes. When you're all over women and boobs all the time and now you're… not even Barney anymore. You're this sappy guy with this… other sappy guy."

Barney pretended to think this over. He shrugged overdramatically. "Yeah. I'm _you_."


	7. Stage 7: The Stake Out

**A/N: So, once again, minimal action in the Barnacle section in this chapter. (darn me and my lack of Barney Stinson! :O) But I kind of felt like Robin and Lily were being neglected a little. D: And we can't shirk the girls of the group, now can we? Anyway, I got some wonderful reviews from some wonderful reviewers! So, i'll give another shout out! (Yay! You know, if you review, I might say something fun to you too! :P)**

**Uncharacteristically-Feminine: Aww... you know what, I've been writing this for so long now, I'd completely forgotten that I'd started out with the little nephew (which i've decided I need to reintroduce... watch this space for some adorable kid action with Barney and Scooter...) And omigosh, now that you've reminded me *squee*...when I found out that NPH and David Burtka were having twins, I had some sort of reverse heart attack or something and was on a baby high for like two weeks. I actually couldn't function. I totally cannot wait for the Harris-Burtka kids to make an appearance in this world! It's gonna be legen- wait for it- dary! (And by god, NPH is just the cutest around kids. Anyone seen his Elmo interview? Possibly the cutest thing ever.**** 3**** Youtube it if you haven't. )**

**HIMYMGleek: well hello there, I trust by your name you're a fellow HIMYM fan and Gleek! Hoorah! What an excellent combination. Anyway, Barney will reveal in good time the hows and whats and wheres and whys of this new relationship he's put together. (He always does! ;) )Do not fret! xD **

**Jexi0322: I am very happy you liked my David Burtka references. :):):) He totally doesn't look like a Bill. He looks like a David! ...His parents named him well. I give them the stamp of approval!** **I thought it might come across as a little lame because I'm always dropping names in stories and it's geeky. But I'm glad you and HIMYMGleek don't think so! :D**

Kids, by the looks on your faces, I think I'd be correct in thinking that you feel precisely as we did about this new development between Barney and Lily's ex. Shocked just isn't the word for it. In fact, I'm not even sure there is a word that exists which could appropriately describe our reaction to their newfound coupledom (if we could even call it that.)

Now, Marshall and I were willing thus far to remain skeptical from afar. But Lily and Robin? A completely different matter altogether. You know Aunt Lily. She has that habit of getting into people's business like… well, like it's her business. Only this time, she had every right to believe it was her business. Scooter was her ex boyfriend who stalked her on a daily basis. Everywhere. She might even go so far as to say there was something psychologically wrong with him.

"So what d'you think about this new Barney and Scooter thing?" Robin inquired of Lily later at Lily and Marshall's apartment. (Marshall and I were out at that point putting together our own theories and opinions about the situation.) "D'you think it's real?"

Lily rolled her eyes with a snort. "Sure. As real as my kindergarteners' imaginary friends! There's no way that whatever Barney is doing here is genuine."

"So what are you going to do?" Robin asked, crossing her arms after slumping down into a chair in the cozy livingroom.

Lily shrugged. "God- who knows? A part of me wants to let Barney get away with it just because it's nice to have Scooter not fawning over me for the first time in weeks. Plus, it's kinda nice not having to deal with Barney's sexist _innuendos_. I mean, he's so _immature_!"

"_But_…" Robin encouraged knowingly.

"But it kills me to see Barney using him like that. I mean, Barney just sees this as a game and will carry this on for a long as possible just to prove a point. Once Barney cuts him down, he'll be _down_ and I can't bare to imagine that," Lily explained, slumping down into a chair across from Robin and crossing one leg over the other.

"Well, maybe by some weird twist of fate, Barney _does _develop feelings for him. Maybe it won't be so bad." Robin shrugged, keeping open minded. It gives me a little pride knowing I'd coaxed your Aunt Robin onto my side. Marshall and Lily were another matter altogether. After all, they _knew_ Scooter and what he was capable of. But on the flip side, we _all_ knew Barney and what he was capable of. And he was capable of a thousand times more than Scooter. All just as potentially destructive as each other.

"We should follow them," Lily gasped suddenly, practically leaping out of her seat as if she'd sat on a tack.

"_What_?"

"Yes! That's what we should do! We should follow them!" Lily went on, gesturing wildly with her hands. "That way we'll know whether Barney's faking it because he'll only fake it around us!"

Robin thought this over, weighing the pros and cons. "Okay… Barney should be on his lunch break in fifteen minutes. That gives us enough time to get down to his work and follow him out."

"_Okay_!"

~.~.~.~.~

"Oh… look look look! There he is!" Lily exclaimed, pointing eratically out the window of the taxi they'd hailed. And there Barney was, exiting his building with the look of a mission on his face, taking the stairs one at a time. The girls piled out of the cab.

"We can't let him see us!" Lily gasped, ducking behind a postbox before them. Robin followed her lead with an oblivious oh. You know how Aunt Robin can get about schemes. Never any good at lies… could never keep cool… Yeah, she and Marshall could never pull off a scheme like Barney, Lily and I could. Yeah, kids. I can pull off schemes just as well as Barney and Lily. _Totally_.

"He's on his phone…" Lily whispered, turning her head to address Robin. And that he was.

"Yeah… No, I ordered two not three," were the words they caught as he passed them by without so much as a second glance, so focused was he on the matter at hand. "Yeah. I'm always in need of more ties. And be sure to wrap them nicely. They're a present for someone. Yeah. Okay. Just… take another look at them and be sure they match perfectly with the suits. Yes. Okay. Thanks, Guillermo, You're a lifesaver. Bye."

"He's buying him _suits_!" Robin gasped. "Why is he buying him suits?"

"I don't know but lets follow him!" Lily exclaimed, swiftly slinking out of their hiding place and down the street, keeping a safe distance between herself and Barney. Robin kept close, feeling particularly vulnerable to anyone who might see them, looking suspicious and such.

They followed him into a nearby restaurant, a quaint little teahouse you didn't oft see in New York. Ironic, really- teahouses just weren't Barney's cup of tea. (Yes, you have permission to laugh. Your ol' man can be funny sometimes.)

A waitress shuffled around the very British looking cluster of cramped wooden tables to greet him. They vaguely heard him explain that he had a friend already there. Without a single snide comment or eyeing up of her breasts (which I later heard from Robin were perky enough to deserve Barney's ogling.)Lily frowned, passing through the open front door to the tea shop.

The waitress turned to her as soon as Barney rounded the corner. Robin craned her neck to watch him go. "Table for two?" the pretty blond waitress inquired with an absent little flip of her ponytail as she stopped before them.

"Uh… yeah," Lily began in her oh so terrible, cringe-worthy fake British accent. "I'm Bri'ish, innit. Thort I'd come in 'ere for a bit o' home, like. I do miss the countryside, righ'? And a spot o' tea. We Brits just lauve or tea, innit love?" she turned abruptly to Robin, gesturing for her to roll with it.

Robin frowned with a shake of her head. "For two," she confirmed with a concise nod. "And… preferably by the gentleman that just came in. But not so close that he can see us. But still close enough for us to hear what he's saying."

They received a skeptical look from the waitress- a look that clearly said that he thought them both bananas. "Right." She furrowed her brow before leading them in.

"Oh my gosh!" Lily gasped as soon as they were seated and they'd relocated Barney, who sat three tables ahead of them and two tables over. Robin followed her gaze to find him sitting with a man. Not just any man. Scooter. Of course. And once more, they were holding hands over the table, leaning so far forward, their noses could have been touching. They were listening to one another so quietly, straining their ears wasn't enough for Lily and Robin.

"I dunno about you, but that looks pretty genuine," Robin murmured matter of factly from behind her menu, which did a wonderful job in obscuring her face.

"Oh… woah…" Lily gasped as she turned back to the couple, who had at that moment locked themselves in a fierce make out session. "Holy…" She furrowed her brow, watching the dart of tongues with an almost reverent curiosity. "Does he _always _kiss like that?"

Robin shrugged, lowering her menu a little. "Eh. Pretty much."

"Get a good look at him, Robin," Lily whispered conspiratorially to her. "Does that hot and heavy make out session look real? Is he putting passion into that?"

Robin squinted, leaning too far forward to seem natural. "Looks pretty… genuine," she frowned, losing balance in her chair and toppling to the floor after a frenzied flail of arms and the infamous Scherbatsky yelp.

Barney and Scooter pulled out of their intense kiss at the commotion. Scooter's eyes darted to the woman on the floor while Barney smirked in amusement. Scooter's face fell.

"_Lily_?"

**A/N: I do believe I cliff hangered up! ;) This chapter was gonna be longer but I only have so much in me right now and I have studying to do. .' And let's face it? Who can resist a cliffy? :P**


	8. Stage 8: The Confession

**A/N: What's this? Another chapter already? Would you look at that! Looks like someone wanted to celebrate HIMYM Day today (who's seen the new ep and seen how awesome it is? I think i just became a hardcore Barney/Robin fangirl... uh oh, I hate to think what that means for dear ol' Scooter here...) by giving what Robin and her crazy Canucks would call a twofer, eh! (Yeah, not only am I fluent in Barney Stinson, I'm fluent in hoser too. :P) ...That and I unwittingly decided to drink tea at 10 o'clock at night and I think it was caffeinated. So now I'm wired. (WOO!) **

**I honestly don't entirely know where this came from. Quite frankly, there's a hell of a lot of the Barnstormer in here and it got very silly very quickly. Which I guess is the way it's got to be. I apologise if half of what he says doesn't make sense, I just got into his nonsensical head and rolled with it, so there we go. And I would also apologise for his crude behaviour, but that's just in his nature so I'll wave that too. :P**

"Well well well, if it isn't Fancies Herself a Sneak, Lily Aldren…" Barney began with a well rehearsed tut and shake of the head. He gave her the eye for an extended moment before gradually turning to Robin. "_Scherbatsky_..." He gave her the eye too.

I sighed, slumping back against the booth. "Did you have to drag us all the way here just to do this?" I inquired, slightly annoyed that I had to be literally dragged out of a lecture and abandon my budding young fledgling architects for this.

Barney had gathered us all at Maclaren's, even pulling a very somber performance in which he burst into very loud and almost convincing tears and told everyone Robin got into a horrific gun related incident that blew her face off (when in reality, he'd just tied her up and thrown her into the a hired limo. …And maybe stole her gun. The only reason why Uncle Barney didn't get arrested was because he'd hired Ranjeet and he was cool...)

Meanwhile, Scooter had completely bought the performance and was currently back home, cowering under his Star Wars bed-sheets (yeah, he does have great taste in film, I_ know_!) in desperate hope that Barney would come out of his little adventure of the day in one piece. (He didn't want to get caught in the cross fire so Barney lovingly sent him packing after he'd finished his tea.)

"Yes," Barney pointed his finger with an also very rehearsed eyebrow raise (he totally practiced in the mirror on a daily basis. You can so tell…) at me. "As a matter of fact I _did_. You see Ted, there is something called a personal bubble. It is in this bubble-" He formed this apparent bubble with his hands, as if holding a giant invisible beach ball "-you see it, Ted? Right here? Well, it is in this bubble that things happen. Things that only I am allowed to share with the world. One of these things is the very scene she and _she_ so rudely walked in on. And you know what they did, Ted? You know what they did? They popped my personal bubble. Like bubblegum. Pop! Just like that. And it hurt my feelings. It really did. I thought I had a god-given right-" he pressed three fingers to his lips and saluted to the sky as if reaching out to God himself "-to do whatever I please within this personal bubble.

"And there are things that you or you or you or especially not you, Ted, (my god, you're as chaste as the Virgin Mary, what is wrong with you? You gotta get your head in the game, man!) may not be proud of which I will do outside of the bubble. I will sleep with ten- nay- _hundreds_ of women on a weekly basis. I may suck appletinis from their bellybuttons. I may do it doggy style here and here and there and there and sometimes I'll sneak upstairs and do it there and there and there and there…" he pointed to vague parts of the ceiling as if to indicate areas of the apartment.

"…You what now?" I inquired, mouth more than slightly agape. I suddenly felt my head grow very heavy indeed. I was beginning to feel very unclean. And apparently, I wasn't the only one.

"Not important," Barney waved this notion away as if he had not announced to the world the many places he had sex on a practically daily basis. "What I'm trying to say is the Barnacle _loves sex_. And he will do it _without_ shame. With any woman- _outside _of the bubble that the Great White Barnacle needs to live in this aquatic world. You know real barnacles cling to rocks? To boats? Not this one. This one clings to well-endowed women. Here-" he made a gesture with both hands as if to cup his chest. "And here-" …Kids, you get the idea.

"But when you take that bubble and pop it, pop it like the tiny, insignificant zit that is monogamy and the destruction of all humanity, you pop his _sustenance_. You pop his manhood. And Little Barney just can't handle that kind of stress! You think he enjoys being squeezed? Well… actually… you bet he does…!" He nodded smugly to affirm this notion. Lily turned her head in disgust, unable to look at Barney any longer. "Because inside that bubble is everything I hold dear that I will never admit to anyone else. And Lily, you popped it like they do in the Pringles commercials. And not in the good way where you take two Pringles and put them in your mouth to look like a duck… They say once you pop, the fun don't stop, but Lily, the fun stopped. You popped the fun. Why did you _have_ to pop the fun? 'Cause now, thanks to you, I have to admit to the world my biggest baddest, darkest secret."

Everything suddenly got very interesting.

The room got very quiet. Everyone sucked in a breath. Leaned forward in their seats. Barney's eyes shifted left to right. "I- Barnaby Awesome Stinson am not as straight as you all know." He raised another brow for effect. I'm pretty sure it must have been the opposite brow to his first eyebrow raise. Just to impress us, you know. Anything for attention. "I know. It kills me too. The truth is, sometimes, I appreciate attractive men. Just as much as I appreciate attractive women. Sometimes, I can appreciate them both equally. Like art. Only less dusty and ancient. Who wants to sleep with old relics anyway?"

"So what… you sleep with men?" Marshall inquired with his fingers pressed to his chin. He stroked the smooth skin there for an extended moment as if to intellectually absorb this new information.

"_What_? No! Marshall, that's ridiculous! I do _not_ sleep with men!" Barney visibly shook himself to demonstrate his disgust. "Look at me! D'you really think this body is worth being soiled by male hands? This was only meant for the ladies. I only admire from afar!"

"So… when was the last time you had sex then?" Marshall carried on, a sneaky look beginning to play across his face.

Barney's left eye twitched, which rapidly set into his jaw until he looked like he'd just unwittingly eaten a very sour lemon. "Alright! I admit it! A week! It's been a wee-hee-hee-heek! I need help! I need a few chicks! I need a one night sta-ha-hand!" He collapsed across the table in a blubbering mess. And this time, he wasn't even drunk.

"Interesting," Marshall noted with a sense of intrigue in his voice. "You haven't had sex in a _week_. And yet you say you appreciate men just as much as women. And yet you're with Scooter. A man who claims to be madly in love with you. I don't think the pieces match up. Do _you_ think the pieces match up, _Ted_?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, bro. They don't match up."

Barney glanced up from his self-pity. "You- you want me to sleep with David- I mean Bill- I mean whatever the hell's his face? Fine! I will. Just watch me."

The four of us all lunged backward in our seats, eyes wide and palms held up. "No thanks!"

"Alright." Barney slunk out of his booth. "I'm gonna have me some _sex_. To. Night. And it's gonna be legen- wait for it- _dary_."

**A/N: Is it just me or does Barney make things really awk...some? Awksome. Awes...ward. Both of those things? Anyway, Read&Review and you might get some Barney/Scooter cuddles later. (yeah, I'm bribing now, check. it. out.) If you're awesome enough. _Are _you awesome enough?**


	9. Stage 9: The Bachelor Pad

**A/N: Guess what? Tomkitten did her homework this morning. I was watching Hooked from season 5 which is probably one of the most relevant eps to this story... It was completely coincidental too. :p It reminded me how utterly irresistible that face of Scooter's truly is. It gives me warm and fuzzies just thinking about it. _I_ could not possibly resist that face. Then again, if I were somehow thrust into the HIMYM universe, I would have Barney snatch me up so fast and so h- um... uh herrm... Anyway... look! Over there! Fluff! And... sexual tension! Buckets of it! (Yeah, there is...)**

Kids, if there's one thing we've all learned about your Uncle Barney, it's that he knows what he wants and he will go to any lengths to get it. And he will stop at nothing. Nothing at all. He could not be convinced nor coerced into changing his mind. Unless of course, there was some super mega hot girl involved. And I mean, she had to be super mega hot. Not just hot. Not just super hot. But super mega hot.

This time, there were no girls to get in his way. You think there would be, what with the female population that inhabited the bar at all hours of the day. Alas, so wrapped up was he in his mission, that it was as if all the slutty bar girls were invisible. All simply disappeared until all that was left were the men, butch lesbians, fat girls, women over sixty who looked it and Lily. Not even Robin went noticed.

I'll tell you, he booked it right out of Maclaren's so fast, we barely had time to appreciate his chaotic run-in with a stool, simultaneously spilling martini all down a woman's dress. And let me tell you kids, she was pretty hot. And she didn't even receive a single backward glance.

As far as I know, and what Barney will tell me, he hailed a cab and dialed Scooter's number. It barely rang once before he picked up. "Ooooh!" came his innocent voice through the receiver. Barney's eye twitched as he held his cell phone a few inches away from his ear. "My Barn-Barn's alive! I was so worried! Is your friend okay? The one who wrestled the gun off the waitress who tried to seduce you? And Li… actually, never mind. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're okay!"

"Yeah yeah yeah enough with chit chat. Everything's all hunky dory blah blah blah…" Barney made to cut straight to the chase. "Meet me at my place. As soon as humanly possible. And suit up!"

He slammed his phone shut at these words, barely registering the faint, "only for you, my clingy little Barnacle!"

Kids, any sane man who hadn't had sex in a while would have just picked up the first chick at the bar and lead her into the closest bathroom stall. But this was Barney we we're talking about. And he had to make things as difficult as possible for himself. And god knew this challenge he'd set himself would be possibly his toughest yet. This night would make or break him. He had to_ perform_. Sleeping with Scooter- a man- the very first (and possibly, probably most likely, god I sure hope so, but don't take my word for it _only_) man he'd ever slept with would be like losing his virginity all over again.

Suffice to say, your Uncle Barney was a nervous wreck that whole car ride home. It started with his tie. At first it was just a fiddle with his fingers. But then it became a nuisance. It began to choke at him, becoming tighter and tighter. So he picked at the knot until it merely hung, loose and untied about his neck. Then came the belt. Again, it was just a fiddling of fingers. But then that too became a nuisance. It too became tighter and tighter. So off it came. The cab driver eyed him strangely from the rear view window.

And that's how your Uncle Barney wound up at his apartment door practically starkers aside from his silk boxers, too flustered to dig in his trouser pocket for his keys. With a hitch of his breath, he arranged himself on the floor, placing his suit before him and tried to solve his problem methodically. His hands were too erratic to listen. They shook and plunged into pockets without once stopping to let his brain tell them what to do. There. With a sigh of relief, he pulled them out and fought an all-out war with the lock, finding the key unwilling to cooperate with his fingers. Sweat literally poured down his face in bucketfuls.

But he eventually got in. And that's the important part.

He slammed the door behind him and thrust his back up against it before sliding down to the floor. He ran his fingers through his hair, wondering what in god's name he was gonna do next. And then it struck him.

He lept to his feet and made straight for his suit room. He thumbed through the many wracks in search for the perfect suit. When he'd finally rummaged a good five times over, he still came up short. With a sigh of defeat, he turned to the last place he would go to suit up: the wardrobe Lily set up during her brief stay in which she pretended to be Barney's wife. Yes, ironically enough, all of Barney's ordinary clothes were chosen by Lily.

He stepped out of his bedroom barefoot in jeans and a cotton baby blue t-shirt that he only picked because he happened to think they made his eyes pop. He shuddered from head to toe in his disgust at wearing such commonplace attire.

Kids, that was probably the lowest moment of Barney's life.

And then the doorbell rang.

Barney turned back to the dreaded door and flexed his fingers over the knob, too anxious to greet his ardent admirer. He finally swallowed his pride and wrenched open the door. And there stood Scooter in the very same suit he'd worn the night they had formally met.

Scooter's lip pulled into an utterly irresistible pout (from what I'd heard, anyway). "You're not suited up. You told me to suit up… I suited up for you. Just for you…! I only thought…"

Barney forced a small smile, a trace of genuine fondness creeping in as he reached out to press his palm securely to Scooter's back. "It's fine," he murmured, leading him into his apartment. "Even though you can only wear that suit once, to make you look as though you just got back from Fashion Week… it's still everything I could ever want. Right now at least."

"_Really_?" Scooter sighed with a bat of his lashes. He swooned a little. Or a lot. "You're all_ I_ could ever want. Ever. Infinity."

"Wow. Infinity. That's…" Barney swallowed. "A really long time." An uncontrollable shudder surged through his left shoulder. "And baby, all I have is one night." He winked for good measure, taking Scooter by the hand to lead him toward the bedroom- a sacred place no other man had gone before. Not even Marshall and I had set foot in Barney's room.

"Did you hear that I'm awesome?" Barney inquired smugly as he shut the door behind him, trying to regain momentum.

"You _are _awesome," Scooter sighed, a goofy little romantic grin on his face. "You're _perfect_. You're_ awesomely _perfect."

"Perfectly _awesome_," Barney agreed, reaching up to straighten his tie, had he been wearing one. His fingers fell away as they closed on empty air and he remembered. He cleared his throat. A sad little squeak of a sound escaped his lips as his panic began to sink in afresh. He fixed his gaze on the bed- a holy place he had banged many a woman on and yet he could not get a single man in. "Oh. Oh dear… Would ya look at that. I only have one pillow."

He could feel himself giving up to the mission. The mission was kicking Uncle Barney's butt. He was losing in his own game. And he stood there and took it. I wish I could say he took it like a man. Heck, Barney still insists to this very day, he took it like a man. But the truth is, he didn't.

"I don't mind." Scooter's eyes glistened as he said it. "We could _share_!"

Barney raised a brow. "Of course. Why didn't I think of that? You're… so smart."

He took a step toward the bed to fold back the sheets. Scooter stood and watched, silent and unassuming. "You should… um…" he started, pointing to Scooter's suit with a vague gesture of his fingers moving up and down in the air. "…don't want to wrinkle it…" He pulled away from the bed to ease the jacket off of him. Scooter blushed steadily at Barney's touch and he manipulated himself so that he was almost flush against him.

"Funny thing about suits," Scooter murmured quietly, peering up at Barney's face from against his chest. "You'll suit up only to suit back down again. Why can't they just be…" He blinked steadily, losing his train of thought and himself in Barney's eyes.

"Exactly," Barney breathed, returning Scooter's gaze as if he were seeing him for the first time. "Suiting up isn't just about physically suiting up, it's a frame of mind. Everyone was born suited up. They just don't know it yet." He shrugged absently before tugging stubbornly away. He clambered up onto his king-sized bed. Scooter stared, transfixed for an extended moment before following his lead.

"I… wow…" Barney's words caught in his throat as he shifted to give Scooter enough room. "I-I've never done this before."

"Shared a bed?" Scooter inquired innocently. "It's okay. I've only ever shared with Li…" he stopped abruptly, biting his tongue. His mouth overturned for the briefest of moments. He took a renewed breath. "Let's snuggle."

Barney had no time to decline before Scooter's arms were around his waist, their legs intertwining. His eyes grew wide at the sudden flood of warmth that was the contact of Scooter's body.

Scooter let out a contented hum as he watched Barney turn his head to meet his gaze once more. And kids, I know you're probably tired of it and grossed out, but they fell to kissing again. Just like that. Only this time was different. There was no instant plunge of tongue or gaping mouths or any of that gross grown up stuff. It was… well. We'll just call it different. Your uncle Barney however, had a different view…

"You kiss like a girl," he noted gradually as they broke apart. "That's so sweet of you."


	10. Stage 10: The Little White Lies

**A/N: I was on a bit of a chapter streak for a while there before my homework started catching up on me and killed the mood. (Which is a concept very prevalent in this chapter! xD) In other news, who has seen the season 3 deleted scenes? They are _raunchy_... O.o Crazy overloads of Barney having steamy make out sessions with Lily and Marshall and then skinny dipping with Ted... wait what? Is there a... a dirty scene from Lily/Marshall's wedding you wanna show us, Barney? One possibly involving a certain wedding crasher? Hmmm...? ;) Anywho... I assure you**, **I shall keep my promise in keeping this a hell of a lot cleaner than that. (I know, i got your hopes up for a while there in the last few chapters... you dirty minded freaks. ;) Don't worry, I'm thinking it too. :P) I just think it'd be wildly inappropriate for Ted to be describing explicit gay porn to his kids. O_O' If only this were Barney's narration to _his_ kids! (Haha... Barney with kids. Legendary... xD) And please guys- read and review. I'm not feeling the love and quite frankly, it's making Barney cry. A lot. So stop the madness and review! xD**

"Wait for it," was the first thing out of Barney's mouth following a long intake of breath (on his part, not ours) as he practically sprang into our apartment the following afternoon. "Wait for it… Wait for it…"

I rolled my eyes. Robin's temple fell into her waiting hand, elbow propped casually against the arm of the couch.

"_Nailed_ it!" Barney grinned wildly, raising his finger at the first word and dipping it low at the second. "And it. Was. Legendary! It was just like doing it with a woman only from behind!" He made to demonstrate this with his hands, his face scrunched up in concentration. Robin frowned.

"You didn't go through with it," I muttered, watching Barney intently.

"Yeah, I did…" Barney argued in that slow, smug drawl and nod. "I did it three times last night. Once against the front door, once in the bathroom, once in the bedroom and once in the kitchen the next morning. Oh wait. That's _four, _Ted. Four." He lifted two fingers and spread them in front of his eyes before turning them toward my face. The ol' 'I'm watching you' gesture that Barney loved so much.

"Sure _you _did," Robin interjected with a cynical snort. "But did_ he_?" She passed me a smirk, which earned a well executed high five.

Barney gasped overdramatically. "Robin Charles Scherbatsky, I'm shocked you would even suggest that! This well oiled and revved up, walking talking sex machine got some last night."

No he didn't.

"In fact, you might even say it was the best sex I've ever had."

No you couldn't.

"In fact, I might just… call David up right now and ask if he's ready for round two."

Kids, Uncle Barney was lying through his teeth.

"Sure you will. You don't even know his real _name_," I argued, wondering why I even bothered arguing in the first place. And how on earth we had gotten here in the first place. "Just… tell us what really happened. It can't have been that bad."

"Yeah. What'd he do? Fall asleep?" Robin guffawed merrily, enjoying watching Barney squirm. Barney remained tight lipped. His eye twitched. Robin and I gaped. "He fell _asleep_?"

Barney made to pout. "Well… he wanted to snuggle and he was so nice and warm and he has that face that would cause a million puppies drop dead if you denied it and… I couldn't say no. We fell asleep watching The Price is Right and… it was a really touching moment for me, okay?"

I frowned. "Barney, are you _crying_?"

"No…" Barney sniffed. "I just… I'm just so full of awesome, it's leaking from my eyes."

He was totally crying. And it turns out, he was crying for this valid reason:

"This is so great," Scooter murmured from against Barney's chest, arms pulled taut across his waist. "I wish I could just lie here forever. But I think I might get bored. But how could I ever get bored when I'm with _you_?"

There was a pretty dominant side to Barney that smiled at this comment. But the not so dominant side slipped through. "Oh, one does not get bored with Barnacle Bill."

Scooter's face lit up. "You remembered my name _and_ incorporated it into cute new pet-name for us! Aww… I love it!"

Barney frowned. "Yeah. _Remembered_," his eyes shifted swiftly. He cleared his throat. He knew that at that moment, it was make or break. He could have hit his newest crusade with all that he had. It was there, he'd already set himself up nicely. But somehow, he couldn't take it to the next step. It would have been so easy too. The words were on the tip of his tongue. All he'd need was an erotic slip of the tongue. Literally or figuratively. In fact, he _had_ tried…

"Oh…" he'd groaned at some point, amidst their make out session I so rudely tore you both from in order to narrate about myself and Robin making fun of your poor Uncle Barney. "Oh… yeah… suck my…" and his throat clenched up on the words. Scooter froze, hands stiff against uh… whatever part of Barney's body they'd eventually sought. Funny I can't seem to _remember_ where they were…

Barney swallowed. "…face," he exhaled, disappointed in himself. "Goddamnit, suck my face." And he did precisely that.

So… you can imagine how much trouble Barney was having in setting the mood. You might even say the mood was set. All he need was to take the leap.

"But Ted! I was so comfortable and I didn't want to move," Barney argued back at the apartment. "And he looked so _peaceful_… I couldn't move him. And then…"

Barney had fumbled for the remote for his TV in his attempt to change the subject. In fact, I don't even think he intended to turn the TV on at all. What he was trying to do was turn on some music and maybe dim the lights to set the mood. Instead, he turned on the TV. You know the one? The big Japanese wall sized plasma that practically made anyone who saw it epileptic.

Scooter shifted next to (or maybe it was on top of?) him to get a better focused glance at what his eyes were trying to process. When they finally did, he gasped. "Is that a _giant_ TV?"

"Tshyeah…" Barney affirmed proudly. "I've got Japanese dealers here in New York."

Scooter gaped. "Wow! It's like being a little kid again- sitting an inch away from the screen to make it seem bigger!" He made to sit up, crossing his legs Indian style and scooting down to the edge of the bed as if to resemble that little kid. Barney felt both a shock of disappointment and relief at the loss of physical contact.

"Yeah…" Barney began thoughtfully. "I used to do that as a kid. I'd watch my dad every day on the Price is Right."

And that kids, is how Barney roped Scooter into watching practically every rerun of The Price is Right in existence on video recording. Most likely the way it went was Barney cried himself to sleep, remembering that his father would never be there as a Dad. So no, kids. Scooter wasn't the one who fell asleep on the job after all.

**A/N: See? You made Barney cry again! Why do you make the poor guy suffer? Reviewing will make Barney happy and bring him closer to Scooter. So please, review. For his sake. ;)**


	11. Stage 11: The Call For Help

**A/N: Hey look! More than one review! I guess grovelling does work. ;) Keep it up, my friends, otherwise, you may find a very long wait for next chappy. :O (yeah, I'm threatening to take away chapter privileges. Best behave, y'all.) And something tells me you won't like that... ;) **

**HIMYMGleek: Thank you very much! I try. That and i do my homework on an almost daily basis. It's a lot of fun times and there's something really challenging about Ted's framing device. ^^ I think the whole point of this story is to illustrate how utterly ridiculous it really would be for this to happen in an actual aired episode. A girl can dream big though. (in the words of Barney Stinson: "_yeah _she would." ;) I will sit down and finish writing a Barney/Scooter bit and look back and think "that did _not_ just happen..." And I do love myself some crying Barney. There's something very vulnerable and sweet about it. He's a sensitive soul, deep down under all that sex. Also, I'm glad you thought that was a good chapter cuz I wrote it really really late last night/uber early this morning and I thought I was just talking a lot of nonsense. So, I guess you heard it here: good stuff _does_ happen after 2AM. XD  
**

**Jexi0322: You know what? Barney_ is_ so cute. Not gonna lie. ;) I'd sure like to think I write adorable Barney well... cuz that's my favouritest Barney! Yay! There's something really sad about him, with his screwed up childhood and such... It kinda breaks my heart a little. And yes, living with 36 guys has its merits. Like hanging off Barney's every word as if it were religion without looking like [much of a] freak. ;)  
**

**And... this is the part where whatever I had planned gets thrown out the window because Barney's been more susceptible to Scooter's advances than I expected. (funny how that happens... ;) ) . So there is no telling what the hell goes down from here on out... And that might just be weird stuff. I'm just as curious as you are. :)**

"Ted!" Barney exclaimed, something not quite right about his voice as he raced in his stumbling way after me. I had been on the way to the subway to catch a train over to the university. The last person I'd expected to see was Barney chasing after me. On second thought…

"Ted! Teeeeed!" He continued on like this for quite some time before finally catching me, bent double in attempt to catch his breath. "Ted. You gotta help me."

I frowned. "Barney. I'm on my way to teach a class," I explained, trying to let him down easily with an absent point of my thumb behind me.

Kids, your Uncle Barney was once- how do I put this lightly? Well… an attention whore. We figure it had something to do with the fact that his mother, although a delightful woman, was too busy sleeping with random men to be a _mom _to him when he needed her the most. Suffice to say, if I told him I didn't have time for him, he'd feel _pretty_ crushed.

"Ted, class can wait," Barney murmured concisely as if my job weren't at stake. As if being late to my own lecture wasn't that big a deal. After all, I'd already gained the reputation as that professor who walked into his first class half an hour late because he was being a complete jackass… I mean, who _does_ that? I bet no other professor has ever done that. In the history of forever.

I extinguished a breath. "Okay Barney. But I only have," I checked my watch, simultaneously sucking _in_ a breath. "A minute. Go."

Barney puffed out his chest all self important. "I… have a problem."

"Yes…" I agreed gradually, wondering where he was going with this. "You have many problems, most of them having to do with your being too awesome." I put those last words in air quotes.

Barney smirked appreciatively at this. "Yeah." He cocked his head fondly toward the sky at the very thought. "I sure do. But Ted, believe it or not, my awesomeness as reached such a level that I will literally explode."

"You wanna get rid of Scooter," I ascertained without any delay.

"Yes! Ted, yes! See, this is why_ you're_ my best friend and not Marshall." Somewhere out there, on the fifteenth story of a GNB building, Marshall Ericson was weeping. "See, Plan A was that I sleep with him. Plan B was… well… I never actually got that far. But I can't, Ted. I just can't. What does one do with someone you sort of kind of like having around more than the usual one night stand but only for the occasional cuddle and kissing session? And maybe if I got really lucky, take them to brunch?"

Kids, that one really made me laugh. "Barney, what you're describing is a _relationship_. A real honest to God relationship."

Barney scrunched up his face. "You mean it's _not_ all about sitting around being boring and useless and the total antithesis of legendary?"

"No, Barney, it isn't," I sighed. Whatever preconceptions Barney had of coupledom was pretty skewed. It always had been. "You've _been_ in a relationship before. You _know_ what it's like."

"Yeah… and it _sucked_," Barney shrugged nonchalantly.

"No, Barney. You haven't been with someone this intimately since you and Robin broke up. "You need to let your inhibitions go. If you really like this guy, you should just be yourself. No lies, no tall tales, no multiple personalities. Just you. And if he loves suited up Barney, he will love… whatever _other _Barney is underneath."

"You're absolutely right," Barney exclaimed, in such a way that stated he'd just had a massive epiphany. I made to add on to my little speech when he cut me off. "I have to sleep with Robin!"

~.~.~.~.~

Kids, it's times like these where you really wonder what just happened and how you got there. More than anything, I wondered how on Earth I'd led Barney to believe that hooking back up with Robin was even remotely a good idea. I mean, sure, I love Barney and I love Robin, but together? Besides, if this was any indication, Barney had no interest in a relationship and Robin… well, Robin was still recovering from a break up. Where sex would seem like a nice short term way out, it wasn't sensible. It wasn't fair to even think about taking advantage of her like that. This would just make an already complicated situation even worse. And I couldn't let that happen.

What I wondered at the time was why was he running from Scooter? I mean, yes, admittedly, this was all my fault, Barney getting himself into hot water with another man who ironically had fallen head over heels in love with him. A part of me saw a piece of Barney who genuinely felt something for the guy. That part of me saw that he was scared. Scared of committing to a man for the first time; to another human being for the first time in months. That was bound to be hard for your Uncle Barney. Women were the only things he knew and he knew them inside and out (unfortunately, quite literally).

But whether he (and the rest of us) liked it or not, he was in a relationship with another man. And he had to grow up and accept the consequence of his actions. At what point could I stand up and admit to Barney that this was all an elaborate prank played by me? The only thing was, Scooter was too genuine in his part. _Way _too genuine. I guess maybe we should have let him in on the challenge, huh? Or is that just the dumbest idea on the face of the planet?

Yeah, I thought so too. The whole point of all this was for Barney to learn to be more empathetic to people around him. And he was _just_ getting there. He was_ so_ close. He couldn't just pull away _now_.

This was so typical of Barney too. As soon as he began to _feel_ something for someone, he pulled away. Either that or made up some sort of excuse ending in "because I'm awesome." He never owned up to what he felt. Hell, it took locking him in a room with Robin for a whole day to fess up to his feelings for her, and even _then_, he still denied it. It made me seriously wonder what would happen if we locked him in a room with Scooter for a whole day.

And that's when it hit me.

**A/N: I'm either way to tired/lazy to finish that thought off or I thought it'd be a decent cliff hanger. So I'mma go with that second one. As always, Read and Review. You will be duly rewarded.** :):):)


	12. Stage 12: The Lock In

**A/N: Woah. I'm sorry guys. When I said I was gonna leave you on the hook to punish you, I didn't mean it. I've just been swamped with papers and midterms and haven't had the time to breathe for a single second. But thankfully, that also means my sleep is skewed so I have dirty minded things to do in my insomniac state... ie: write this. And hey... I got what? 5 new reviews in the process? See, threats DO work! mwahahahaha.**

**So... what's this? We like the idea of locking Barney/Scooter in a room together? Well... i mean, come on, what could_ possibly_ go on in there? Nothing too untoward, I hope... it's only Barney Stinson after all... locked in a room, with a bed and a man he's been trying to bang for a while now... *coughs* I should give a few warnings. Just sayin'.**

Kids, what happened next I'm not necessarily proud of. I may have been an advocate of many interesting and new schemes of Barney's, but this one? This one was starting to morph into something that would be more than a little disturbing. Just you wait. You'll know what I'm talking about soon enough. Oh, trust me, you'll know. Your mother would be ashamed.

You can imagine as soon as I realized Barney's intentions with Robin, I had to talk to her. Unfortunately, while I know I seemed to have a history of dashing out of lectures (much to my dear scholars' sympathies, thank goodness) whenever something of this extreme occurred. Which happened more often than I'd liked. So, this time, I was gonna play it cool and think this through rationally.

"Come on come on come on come on!" I prompted at my cell phone receiver, bouncing on the balls of my feet as the subway train rolled in with a screeching hault. "Robin… pick up!"

I slipped onto the sub and into a seat squashed between a little old lady, whiter than white hair pinned back beneath a kerchief, and some street dancer listening to his ipod way louder than anyone's eardrums can handle.

"Hey, Robin!" I exclaimed when she finally picked up her phone. "Just a head's up… Barney's planning on seducing you."

A harsh little laugh came through on the other side. "Yeah… Ted. Tell me something I don't know. We've been there, done that, bought the suit and quite frankly, it's a little too snug and far too expensive to my taste. But the micro-fibres are nice and small and soft and they work a dream in the office."

I frowned. "Were you still talking about a suit toward the end there?" I inquired. I shook my head, remembering my purpose. "No. Look. He wants to get all up in your pants in order to get over Scooter."

The little old lady next to me took on the image of a catatonic state.

"Eh…" I could practically hear her shrugging and inspecting her fingernails. "Mamma could use a little sugar. It's been a few weeks… What the hey?"

"No! Robin!" I drew a palm vertically down my face. "No, Robin. Don't give in to his charms! He's a conman. He'll charm you with his lies! And he will hurt you, Robin Scherbatsky. Think of that. Remember how he hurt you before? You're just a number to him."

"Yeah… Ted…? This reverse psychology? It ain't gonna work on me. If you really wanted me and Barney back together, you could have just said so."

Oh, kids. Your Aunt Robin was just as bad as Uncle Barney. That's probably why they get along so well…

This little conversation went on like that until I'd set foot on the steps leading up to the university. By then, I was a little worried that Barney had already gotten to her before we'd even hung up. Fortunately, he hadn't and I was able to gain Robin's heart broken wits long enough to formulate an ingenious plan. Well, I thought it was pretty ingenious at the time. Turns out we'd get far more than we'd bargained for.

Barney arrived at the apartment later that night (after a phone call which confirmed that he'd be coming over and a demand for me to either stay out of his way or make myself popcorn for the show… and save him some for when he could rewatch the tape later…) Robin's door remained closed until I'd allowed Barney entry.

"Yeah, buddy, I know I may not have been very approving at the time, but get in there," I murmured, giving him a few manly fist beats to his shoulder for good measure. "Give her the best night she's ever seen."

"Oh, I'll give it to her alright," Barney nodded overdramatically, turning the knob of the door and slinking into the room. He closed the door behind him, as expected. What he had not expected was who would be meeting him on the other side.

"Hi, Barney!" Scooter exclaimed enthusiastically with a charmingly childish wave, sitting on Robin's bed in the suit Barney had bought him a few days ago. "Ted knew you were coming over tonight so he invited me too! Isn't that great?" He blinked furiously, waiting for an equally overjoyed response.

Barney stood stalk still, his eyes searching about the room. He approached Scooter, gripping him by the shoulders and pulling him to the right, then to the left. He knelt down and lifted Scooter's legs by the heel of his shoes to check under the bed. "Okay. Seriously. What did you do with Robin?"

"Robin?" Scooter repeated, the name unfamiliar on his tongue. "You mean the Canadian guy who lives with Ted?"

Barney scoffed. "David, Robin isn't a dude. She's a chick. A really _hot_ chick." He raised an eyebrow for effect. He cleared his throat as a look of hurt crossed Scooter's face, his lip down-turned in a pout. "And she's also one of my best friends," Barney amended quickly, fiddling with his hands. "She's cool and stuff. I like to think she's awesome but not nearly as awesome as me."

"Well, you _are_ pretty awesome," Scooter conceded quietly with a nod.

"I know, right?" Barney murmured enthusiastically. "So…"

"So."

They sat in silence for a very long time. Believe me. Your Uncle Marshall, Aunts Lily and Robin sat waiting for something to happen for what felt like _hours_. Lily and Marshall even gave up pressing their ears to the door after such a drawn out silence. Lily released herself from being pressed up against Robin's bedroom door and pointed dramatically to it.

"What are they _doing _in there?" she mouthed. Not even _I_ know what they could have been doing in there.

"Wanna make out?" was the one request that broke the silence, brought on by Barney's genius thought.

"God, yes," Scooter released a sigh of relief. "That's the only thing I could ever ask for. And a romantic terrace dinner overlooking the sunset over the ocean… and we could get married and have kids… But that's all."

Barney blinked, freezing in his almost overeager plot to grab Scooter's face and make the hell out of it. I'm serious. He'd stopped mid-lunge. He'd already sucked in a breath and had the guy's face in his hands. He let out a strained coo. "You want _kids_? Aww… that's so… that's so…" he tried to train himself. To mask that giddy feeling your Uncle Barney always got whenever he was around babies. You've heard the stories about what he was like when you two were born. He was a gooey mess.

He took another breath and his expression finally hardened. "…_horrible_! Why would you want _kids_? All they do is eat, sleep, poop and make loud noises. All the time. And they take up money you don't have, money you do have and money you tried to keep a secret but darn those dirty rascals, they aaaaaaalways find a way… And then you have to _love_ them. What's up with _that_?"

Scooter's eyes gleamed. "But that's the best part!"

Barney made a loud noise of disapproval. "Please. Lily and Marshall are trying for a kid. Isn't that just a marriage killer? And Lily was already nagging Marshall's balls off as it was… divorce right around the corner, I'm telling you…"

Scooter's eyes widened and he jerked out of Barney's grasp. "They're trying for a baby?" he asked in a small voice, several octaves higher than normal. "But…" A wistful look fell across his face. "That could have been me… I could have…" He bit his lip. Shook his head.

"Let's have sex," he said suddenly. Out of freakin' nowhere. I froze. Lily and Robin turned to me with a disgusted gaze. Marshall stood already looking emotionally traumatized and the night had only just begun.

"Ted, what the _hell_, they can't do it where we did it in _my_ bed!" Robin hissed. "…Several long, glorious times… get them out of there!"

I shook my head. "No. We have to let this play out. He has to know sex isn't just physical."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Honey, most of the time, it is."

"Yeah but…" I began, determined to see this through. "Don't you get it? Scooter's only saying that because he's trying to get over you and…"

"…_Ohhh_!"

A struggle between conflicting emotions battled its way across Lily's face. Her lips twitched, her eyes uncertain. Her breathing became laboured. "I… uh… oh… oh, just let the poor kid have it! He's probably been saving himself for me anyway!"

"Shh!" I tried to quiet everybody. "It's up to Barney. We have to leave it to Barney."

Marshall let out a snort of a laugh. "Yeah. Of course Barney's gonna have sex with him. He just said 'let's have sex.' Come on, Ted. What other motivation do you _need_?"

Meanwhile, Barney had already torn off his shirt and was undoing his tie. "Baby, for you, always," he wooed with an incline of his chin. And Scooter swooned right there at his feet.

"Oh Barney," Scooter gasped, head swimming with thoughts of what was to come. "You're so ruggedly handsome and strong… And…" his eyes traveled downward as Barney divested himself of the rest of his clothes in record time. They widened tenfold. "…Your penis is huge!"

…

Barney! …Kids, that's most certainly _not _how it went. Thank _god_. But what did happen was this:

Barney needed a moment to think this through. Ordinarily, he would have already leapt out of his clothes and practically out of his skin in his eagerness to get it on. But that was different. That was with _women_.

"I… oh… sure… let's just… have sex! Gotta love sex!" Barney swallowed, handling the edge of his tie between his fingers. "You should probably know… I've never…"

Scooter's eyes lit up. "Oh good. Me neither. I can be your _first_!"

Kids, what happened next was the most painful thing I ever paid witness to. And this was only _hearing_ whatever was going on behind that door.

There was a lot of shuffling that followed. Rustling of clothes. Some kissing. And somewhere in there, the kissing deepened. And before we knew it…

Barney yelped. "Don't touch me _there_!"

Kids, I don't wanna have to be the one to tell you where Scooter's fingers were. And if you can guess, I'm very disturbed that you would know something like that.

Suffice to say this was unchartered territory for Barney. In more ways than one. "Okay okay okay," Barney took a deep, cleansing breath. "Go. No no no! Stop. Now go."

And then came…

The bagpipes. Like nails down a chalkboard. I've heard a lot of bagpipes in my time. A lot more than I'd like to admit. So many, in fact, I'm scarred for life. I still need therapy to get the sounds out of my head. But this? This was something completely different.

It was like when you go to a first grader's concert and watch them play an instrument they're only playing because their mom shoved a violin at them and demanded they play in hopes of bringing up the next Mozart. And you're supposed to stand up and applaud like it was the greatest thing you've ever heard. But in reality…

It sucked.

The squawking and the stopping and starting and the… I'm pretty sure Barney was screaming. And pleading for his life. Quite frankly, I think at that point, we were all pleading for our lives.

Everyone's first times are supposed to suck. But they get better. And I guess, eventually, they did settle into a rhythm. And then the screaming was… a little different.

It was some time between the moment we unlocked the door and the moment they finally came out. It was Scooter who came stumbled out first, wearing Barney's suit. He straightened up, fixing his tie with a concise tug. He cleared his throat, an uncharacteristically predatory gleam in his eye.

"Daddy's back."


	13. Stage 13: The Swap

**A/N: Well, well, well guys. Are you ready for some squees? Cuz I _wrote it_ and I squeed. I'm still squeeing deep down in my heart. ;) And whatever happened to this being "clean" anyway? Geez. I'm such a liar. Woops. Teddy West Side knows how to keep it real though. It's all good. Thanks for all the reviews from last chap guys! That was legendary! Keep it up and you shall be rewarded with little things like this! ^-^ I sat down and had a good pow-wow with Barney and the gang for how the rest of this is gonna go down. Oh, there's gonna be some drama. Let me tell you... ;) **

**(And PS: to all my Canadian readers out there: Happy belated Slapsgiving, my friends! I hope you shared in the slaps cuz I know I sure did. ^_^)**

Kids, I don't know what events in particular transpired in that room (although I had a fairly vivid picture painted in my mind of what _must _have happened), but from there on out, weird stuff started to happen. And I mean _weird_.

Scooter stood pin straight in not the suit he'd come in, but Barney's. He straightened his tie in a concise way only Barney did when he had something especially important to say. His gaze was fixed on Lily and for once, those puppy eyes made no appearance in the matter. They glowed with something else entirely. Victory. I could see in Lily's face an internal struggle over whether or not to return his glance.

He inclined his chin in her direction. "No hard feelings, Lily," he murmured, utterly straight faced. He took a step toward her and offered his hand. Lily spluttered for words. When she'd waited to long to accept his offering, he returned his arm to his side. "'S all right. I didn't need your acceptance anyway. I have Barney now."

And right on cue, Barney came stumbling out of the bedroom, clad in only his silk boxers and struggling to somehow pull on a pair of pants at the same time. This was of course, an epic fail endeavor and he tripped on his two left feet, falling face first on the floor. "Bill… Bill! Don't leave! Don't leave me!"

That struggle? Right there, with Barney flopping on the floor, attempting to both squirm into and _out of_ his pants at the same time while begging Scooter to stay was possibly the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

Scooter watched him, face hardened but a distinct look of appreciation heavy in his eyes and twitching vaguely at his lips. He knelt down to help him to his feet. "It's okay- you can call me David. It's my middle name anyway," he offered affectionately.

Barney nodded furiously, throwing himself into Scooter's waiting arms. "Now I finally know what it means to be loved," he gushed. We all stood and gaped. Sure, Barney had moments like these every once in a while but to acknowledge love… real honest to god love… well, I might just have to say my job here is done… But that's not how this story ends. Far from it. In fact, you might just say, this story had just begun.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up and go somewhere, just you and me," Scooter murmured, manipulating Barney's arm around his shoulder and directing him back toward Robin's room. He turned his head for one last glance at Lily, his eyes smoldering with revenge.

We all found a special place elsewhere in the room to look until Scooter closed the door behind him.

"_Woah_," I gasped as soon as the click of the lock sounded.

"I know, _right_?" Marshall let out a disgusted snort, coming up behind Lily to pull a possessive arm about her waist. "Who does that guy think he is? Threatening my Lilypad? I mean… who _does_ that?"

Lily craned her neck to glance up at him over her shoulder. "Lots of people, baby. Not my fault this bitch has a lot going for her."

"Ted, this has got to stop. You saw the way he was looking at her," Marshall murmured seriously. "And I'm worried that… that he might be using Barney. And I hate to admit it, but I don't want to see Barney get hurt."

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Lily piped up, whirling around in his embrace. "I'm sure I have Robin to back me up when I say this but the bitch had it comin' for years. As much as I love Barney, he needs to be taken down a peg."

"…or ten," Robin agreed. They shared a high five.

"So if Scooter wants to stomp all over his heart, I say have at it."

"Lily," I interjected, quite frankly appalled at her reaction to all of this. "He's one of our best friends. You can't tell me you want to see him heartbroken. You wouldn't ask that of anyone. And I think he actually likes this guy for once. Can't we give him this?"

"Ted, you're the one who started this," Lily replied. "Technically this should be out of your hands by now but seeing as you seem to enjoy getting in the way of it all, it's your call."

There was a certain bite to Lily's words that stung. The idea of seeing Barney with Scooter was beginning to make her snap. Believe me, I'm sure if I were her, I'd be pissed too. In fact, I'd never really considered Lily's feeling in all this. I thought I was doing her a favour- getting Scooter off her hands. Instead, I just made him an awkward, unauthorized part of the group. And Lily had to see him every day. And not just for five minutes at work. She had to actually be civil to him. And I think that was just about as much as she could take.

~.~.~.~.~

"Does anyone else think it's weird that Scooter's suddenly all Barnified?" Marshall inquired later at the bar. (Barney and Scooter had gone off together a while ago and hadn't made any indication they were gonna be back anytime soon.)

"Oh he's been more than Barnified, my friend," Robin offered authoritatively.

I frowned. "You know what? It _is _a little weird. Scooter comes out all 'daddy's back' and Barney comes out all clingy and romantic. I've never seen him like that."

"You think it was the sex?" Marshall murmured, shifting in his seat. "Like… for Barney, it made him finally see that sex is a celebration of love and for Scooter, it made him finally see that sex is _awesome_?"

"Hey, Lily, you never got to second base with him, _did_ you?" Robin inquired off handedly, hardly considering Lily's delicate state of mind right now. Marshall and I winced.

"Well… no," Lily replied easily enough, though unwilling that she was of returning Robin's gaze. "But he wasn't the one and it wouldn't have been right and… oh god! I made a huge mistake in dumping him all those years ago!"

"No! Lily…" I tried. Marshall shrunk away, devastated at this new development.

"Ted! Look what you've done!" he growled, approaching me. "You're ruining everything!"

"You know what?" Robin put in. "This isn't even fair. Barney and I were good together. He was sweet and funny and damn it all- really good in bed. How can I even compete with that now?"

And that's how Lily, Marshall, Robin and I got into one of the biggest arguments we've ever had.

Meanwhile, Barney and Scooter were having a dandy time back at Barney's apartment.

"It was sure nice of your brother to let us babysit," Scooter murmured, watching the littlest Stinson currently sitting on his uncle's lap.

"It sure was," Barney conceded happily, admiring his nephew's pint sized suit. "Hey Nate-" he addressed the little boy. He turned his downy blond head toward his uncle, eyes wide and blue. "Who's the most handsomest boy in this room?" he cooed.

Nathan took some time to think about it, his pudgy face screwing up. Then he finally pointed at Barney's chest, thrusting his whole arm out. "You!"

"You bet your Uncle Barney is!" he exclaimed affectionately, hoisting him up into the air by the waist. "Us Stinson men. We're pretty awesome. You might even say we're legen… wait for it…"

Scooter watched in amusement as Barney lifted him up over his head and down again, Nathan giggling all the while. "Dary!" he finished for him.

Suffice to say, Barney and Scooter were having way more fun that we were at that moment. Had we been there to see it, we would have seen how truly happy those two were together. And maybe for once, these things didn't need to make sense. They just were, and Barney needed a break.

Too bad no one else seemed to agree with me.


	14. Stage 14: The Pep Talk

**A/N: Woah, guys. Once again, I'm sorry for the major lack of updates recently. My life has been uber crazy what with midterms and family crises back home... But it's all done now. Midterms have ended and I have what will hopefully be a not so busy week this week in order to pull my weight on this story... I will do what I can before November to get as much to you as I can, my friends. NaNoWriMo is just around the corner and I have a feeling I won't have time for Bend in the Road all next month until Christmas. So... watch out for a month's worth of dry spell. Think you can handle it? I think you can. ;) Aside from that, I was also busy celebrating the birth of real life Barney/Scooter's littles. I'd like to think I'm not alone... ;) I'm so happy NPH/David Burtka went and reproduced. Damn. I'm a happy kitten. ^.^ That being said, don't be surprised if this becomes baby central. One of our boys and I might just get a little obsessed. ;)**

**Oh and... fair warning: boob alert. Just sayin'. **

It was a week later before any of us spoke a word to each other. Marshall wasn't talking to Lily. Lily wasn't talking to Marshall. Marshall wasn't talking to me. Lily wasn't talking to me. Robin wasn't talking to me _or _Barney. And Barney… well, he was absent whenever we were together. His thoughts were clearly elsewhere and he got that wistful look with his head tilted and that stupid grin on his face far too often. That is, when he wasn't with Scooter. And often times, I never got any time alone with Barney anymore.

It was beginning to feel like college all over again: Marshall and Lily and then me, the third wheel. Not that it really bothered me that much then. But it bothered me now. Barney… and Scooter and me: the third wheel. I hated being the third wheel! Man! I hated that third wheel!

Gone were the enthusiastic "Ted Ted Ted!" greetings every time Barney entered the bar. Gone were the days where we amused ourselves with Barney's most recent conquests. Gone were the crude comments and the disgusted eye rolling Lily passed Barney every single time he gave us the gory details of his latest encounter. Gone were the harsh but true Canada jokes… Because nowadays, it was just me, Barney and Scooter.

I couldn't even make myself into a decent wingman. I'd tried suiting up one night to impress Barney. And nothing. Not even a single glance in my direction. He was too busy canoodling with his new _man_. Well damn it all, I know I put this on myself, but like everyone else, I was starting to get pissed off.

That was what led me to Lily and Marshall's door that fateful day. It was Marshall who opened the door. I wasted no time in explaining my appearance at their apartment after a full week of absence.

"We have to put an end to this."

~.~.~.~.~

Meanwhile, we weren't the only ones who were concerned about Barney. Apparently, his brother James had a few words of his own.

"Barney…" he started cautiously when he'd come to pick up Nathan from Barney's apartment. Scooter had dozed off on the couch, the littlest Stinson curled up on his lap.

"Yeah? What's up?" Barney inquired, noting the serious tone in James' voice.

"I don't want to be rude or anything, little brother, but what are your intentions with this guy?" James pondered seriously, daring to approach the living room where he could tentatively untangle his son from Scooter's grasp. Nathan fidgeted slightly in his father's arms but didn't wake up in being jostled against his shoulder. He instinctively nuzzled his face up into the crook of James' neck. Barney fought back a shudder of glee at the intimate paternal scene.

"What? What are you worried about? I… just really like him, okay? I can…" Barney cleared his throat awkwardly. "…like other guys. It's a free country…" He shrugged.

James sighed, shaking his head. "You're not even suited up. You haven't not suited up since Aunt Ethel died. Are you sure you're alright?"

Barney frowned. "Of course I'm alright! I am happy! I am the happiest I have been in a long time and a brother doesn't have to suit up every day just to prove how awesome he is."

James sucked in a breath. "Oh boy." He shook his head again. "He's really got you, hasn't he?" He took a brief glance over his shoulder at the sleeping Scooter, who in turn slumped ever so gradually sideways against the arm of the couch. Barney fought a losing battle with his urge to make him comfortable, tucking a blanket over him.

"James… I can't- I can't help it. He just… he's got these eyes that gleam and he's got these lips that pout and this face… And he looks damn good in Armani, okay?"

"Do you actually like him, Barney? Do you really like him in that way?" James inquired knowingly, running a soothing hand up and down his son's back. "Because Barney- this is serious. This commitment you're making right now. He's a guy. And you're a guy. And you're stepping out into the world out there, telling everyone in the world that you're his and he's yours and there ain't any woman out there who is gonna change that. Is that what you want? To turn your back on all those hot women for this guy? Because that's what you're doing."

Barney's eyes widened and stared vacantly before him, unable to truly comprehend the enormity of what his brother had just addressed. "Boobs…" he murmured in a quiet voice. "Boobs… I love boobs…"

James smiled fondly, slapping Barney on the back with his free hand. "That's right you do. Are you willing to give boobs up for this guy?"

A battle raged on dazedly in Barney's head. "The Barnacle doesn't swear off boobs forever… The Barnacle could… still… touch them… if he wanted. With David's permission…"

"Is that his name?" James murmured curiously. "David?"

Barney shook his head. "No. It's Bill. But for me, he's David."

"Okay, come 'ere," James ordered, leading Barney toward the kitchen and sitting him down on a stool. "Look, Barney. Look at me. Whatever you're going through- this isn't you. This isn't the Barnabas Stinson that I've known all my life. The Barney I know is sharp and dapper and confident and holds his head up high. And doesn't stand down in a relationship. He's turned you into a zombie, Barney. You can barely function. Look at you! When was the last time you were with a woman?"

Barney blinked furiously. He opened his mouth and closed it again, realizing he couldn't think of the last time. It was there, obviously. It was just blurry. All those women blurred together. He couldn't remember which was his last. All he could think of was Scooter. "James, I don't know what I want for keepsies forever but I know what I want right now and right now I want David. I want him I want him I want him! Why doesn't anyone want me to have him?"

James was used to the bouncing up and down Barney was doing- in fact, he got it from his son often enough. And the shrill voice and the anxious hands… well… this just about broke his heart. "No one ever wants me to have what I want!" He stamped his foot stubbornly and turned on his heel toward his room. James watched him play out his theatrics as he went. Barney slammed his bedroom door with great effort.

With one last pitiful shake of his head, James left, taking Nathan with him.

~.~.~.~.~

In hindsight, it was shallow of us to do what we did next, particularly with Barney feeling as vulnerable as he did at that point. But how were we to know that? All we saw was how happy he was with Scooter. What we didn't know was how our absence from MacLaren's was getting to him. He missed us. And he took solace in having Scooter there for him where we weren't.

When Scooter woke up, dry mouthed and crusty eyed, he didn't immediately recognize his surroundings. But it eventually occurred to him that he was on Barney's couch. It also occurred to him rather quickly that Barney wasn't with him. He frowned, fixing a crick in his neck and knocked softly on his bedroom door.

"Go away," came a sniffling voice from the other side. Scooter bit his lip and pushed the door open anyway. There he found Barney in his silk suit pajamas, splayed out over his king sized bed. Barney sniffed, rolling over to face the wall, limbs spread wide and lamenting. "I don't want you to see me like this."

Once more, Scooter did not heed his words and slunk gingerly toward the bed. Barney flinched when he felt the warm hands imprint his shoulder. But he didn't move away. Not even when he felt the bed dip slightly from beneath him and felt familiar arms encircling him did he move. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, staving off any remaining tears.

"You don't have to say anything," Scooter whispered into his ear, pulling Barney closer to him. "We don't need anybody."

"I miss boobs," Barney sighed absently when his tears dried.

Scooter said nothing for a long time, lips pursed and afraid he'd say the wrong thing. "I'm sorry I don't have any," he coughed awkwardly. "If I could… I… well, I would."

"Why is this happening?" Barney asked, his voice shaky with doubt. "This doesn't make sense. You and Lily and me and… boobs…"

Scooter winced his way through that dreaded word. "It was just our time, I guess. I had to get over Lily and you…"

"I didn't need to get over anything," Barney sulked quietly. "I was perfect. I was a god. Nothing could touch the Barnacle. Except hoards of women. A lot and everywhere. I was legendary."

"And now you're human," Scooter finished for him. "How does it feel?"

"Lonely."

**A/N: I had no intention whatsoever for it get that sad. Or to refer to boobs so much. Was watching Architect of Destruction earlier today. So sue me. ;) One of these days I will present to you a chapter when Barney doesn't have a fit of tears...**


	15. Stage 15: The Scheme

**A/N: Hey hey... look who broke her promise in the name of awesomeness? The things I do at one in the morning... *shakes head* Well, in all honesty, I started this chapter before November even started, so I figured I owed it to myself and you guys to get it out there into the world. ;) ;) ;) And plus, I figure I'd mess with your minds while you wait impatiently for NaNoWriMo to be over so you can get another update. (yes, I'm that evil.) But hey, best part of NaNo is when you get in the zone, you get in the zone. So, I thought while I was at it... why not? xP and to my reviewer who inquires as to "how does anyone do that?", I say it's always the crazy ones. We value our writing over life itself. And side note, yes, the Burtka-Harris twins were born on October 12 (celebrate, goddammit! xP) we have yet to get a good peek at them though. NPH is a ninja dad like that.**

**So yeah... be happy with your update because this time, I probably won't actually come back until Christmas. (I'm most likely gonna be snowed in with more exams and papers soon enough too.) So, without further ado...**

Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were at the end of our tether. In fact, you might even say Barney and Scooter were too. Whatever entertainment we all thought Barney's little challenge would grant us had long since passed. Now it was just getting sad. Sure, Barney and Scooter were perfectly happy together, but who were we to think all that was fabricated? We all knew Barney and what he was capable of. And Scooter… well, I had a feeling Marshall was right in being suspicious of him, what with the way he looked at Lily.

Which is ultimately why we did what we did. By no means did we think it through as thoroughly as we anticipated. I think we were all just really really _really_ desperate at that point just to have things relatively back to normal. Bottom line was we had to get rid of Scooter.

Marshall and I pounded on Barney's door, hoping against anything that Scooter wasn't in there with him. It was crucial for our scheme to succeed of we could snag Barney in a single instant when he was alone. Of course he could have just called him up and invited him to MacLaren's but… we didn't want to risk the chance of him bringing Scooter along. It was important that Scooter was. not. with us.

Barney finally opened the door after having mangled my hand with knocking. "What?" he asked in an impatient I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you way. He crossed his arms over his silk pajama suit clad chest.

"Are you alone?" I asked conspiratorially, leaning in through the entrance to get a better look into his apartment.

Barney let out a lengthy breath. "Yes. I'm alone. Scooter left a little while ago. He had to go to work. Or something." He rolled his eyes upward toward the ceiling.

"Well," I started, jumping at the opportunity before us. "We have something that will cheer you up."

Barney sniffed inconspicuously, his eyes swimming. Despite this, a glimmer of that childish hope and excitement slipped through. "What?" He repeated, this time a little more lively.

"We. Have tickets. To this year's Chewbacca convention!" Marshall blurted enthusiastically, practically bouncing on his heels in his glee. "Just you me and Ted. We're gonna take a road trip and it's gonna be legen… wait for it…"

Barney raised an eyebrow. "Dude. That's _my_ bit." He shook his head at Marshall's ignorance. "Besides isn't the convention in Toronto this year?"

"Y…es. We're talking a road trip all the way to Toronto!" I interjected, pumping my fist enthusiastically in the air before either Barney could call us out or Marshall big mouth gave us away.

"You're making me go to _Canada_?" Barney inquired skeptically. "Ted, d'you recall what happened last time I crossed the border into the Land of the Ehs? I don't even think I'm permitted to return to that country."

I sighed. "But… Chewbacca convention!" I insisted.

Barney too sighed, rolling his eyes again. "Fine. Let's go. But I have to call Scooter to let him know I'll be gone."

"Oh, call him on the road," I contended, afraid that if he called Scooter now, there was a chance he might chase us down and try to join us. And knowing Barney, he'd most likely let him. "I'm sure he won't mind."

~.~.~.~.~

Meanwhile, Lily's scheme would be more difficult. Marshall texted her from the car informing her that Scooter was indeed in for work today. Stage two of our plan could now activate.

Lunchtime rolled around and Lily took her position in line for food. Despite the fact that she'd packed a bag lunch. She didn't need to buy anything anyway. That wasn't the point. When it was her turn, she reached up on tip toes and leaned in as far as she could against the counter. "Hi, Scooter," she greeted her ex for the first time voluntarily for years.

Scooter glanced up, surprised Lily would even take the time of day to notice him. Not fooled by her ploy, however, he remained aloof. "Hi, Lily," he greeted her, doing all that he could to avoid eye contact as he served her.

"I just wanted to say, Scooter that… seeing you with Barney… it's made me truly miss you as that aspiring umpire you used to be," she fed him the words we'd practiced with her earlier. "You've grown so much since then. You may not be living the dream, but you're happy. And I'm happy. I have Marshall and you have Barney… and this can all just… stop."

Kids, we didn't tell Lily to say that. Apparently, she was starting to get sentimental. Our whole plan was riding on her distracting Scooter long enough to smuggle Barney out of Manhattan. If this didn't work, our whole scheme would go down the toilet.

"So. If you could just… stay away from MacLaren's and my friends, then I think our story can finally be resolved," there was a sharp tone of threat in her voice that certainly would have gotten me scared. No one got on Lily's bad side, and Scooter not taking up this offer would most definitely have earned him the 'You're dead to me' look. And no one wanted to be on the receiving end of that. But you both know that.

"Resolved? But- but Lily! I can't stay away from MacLaren's and still see Barney!" There was a conflict raging within him and Lily saw it. She screwed up her face.

"Listen, I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't like it when my friends bring their bitches into our little friendship group. I don't like the random bitches who show up in my Christmas photos! I don't want you to end up a random bitch in this year's Christmas photos! I have nothing against you showing up on Barney's annual Christmas cards- so long as you two keep it PG- you know there's nothing I hate more than Barney's porno cards with the lude Christmas carols… but for you to come into my life like this and take away my friends? It's unacceptable. You can take Barney. In fact, have him all you want because I certainly get tired of him pretty darn quickly. But don't drag down my best friends or my husband with you. You hear me? Or I will hunt. You. Down. Got it?"

Kids, you probably know that if you're a kindergartener on the receiving end of a rant of that caliber, you know you'd be getting more than just a time out in the corner.

Scooter, now sufficiently spooked by Lily's threat nodded vigorously. "Y-yes. I'll never show up at MacLaren's again."

"Good." Lily returned her heels to the ground, planting herself firmly in place. "And… can I get milk with that?"

~.~.~.~.~

Well, suffice to say, we weren't entirely expecting Lily's part of the bargain to go down so well. But so long as she had Scooter cowering in a corner, we were golden.

Robin, meanwhile… Well. Let's just say, we had to do several possibly illegal maneuvers to pull her part of the plan off. And let me tell you- it wasn't pretty. I parked the car some hours later, checking the rear view mirror to ensure Barney was still in tact under Marshall's watchful eye in the back seat. Fortunately, he'd fallen asleep. He awoke with a start, mid snore, jolting his head up from Marshall's shoulder.

"Are we there yet?" he gasped almost instantaneously. I suppressed a laugh.

"Yeah, buddy. We're here."

I'm sure you know by now that we did in fact lie. Just in case that wasn't immediately obvious. We weren't taking Barney to anything remotely close to any Star Wars convention at all. In fact, it wasn't remotely close to any sci-fi convention… or any convention at all. Unless of course you counted the porn convention we discovered a few years ago… you remember that story, right?

In fact, we were taking Barney to the exact place he took us every time he lured us into a taxi en route to a Chewbacca convention. He should have seen it coming. On any given situation except apparently this one, we would most definitely expect Barney's eyes to light up at the sight before him as we got out of the car. Unfortunately for him, he had settled so much, he'd lost touch with that perverted, womanising side of his…

"Come on, Barney, let's go," I coaxed, while Marshall pressed an encouraging hand to his back to give him a little push in the right direction. "This is just what you need. A little bit of fun to help you remember who you are."

We entered the strip club easily enough. No hitches to be found. Now if only Robin could pull this through. If she could do this tonight, it would prove her a legend and might just be the one thing that turned Barney's mind around. I was more than certain of it.

We sat down front row in Barney's usual seats. Ordered drinks. The usual whenenever Barney dragged us down here. Which was a lot more than we would have liked before Scooter happened. "Hey, Barney! Welcome back!" came the announcer's voice over the intercom. "Long time no see. Have we got a treat for you!"

Marshall and I exchanged a significant glance. Marshall had to hide his face with a conveniently placed menu. "For one night and one night only, folks, allow me to introduce you to the sweet, sensational, Northern gal Maple… Leaf!"

And out onto that raised cat walk came the hottest, sluttiest looking stripper I'd ever seen. I have to say, Maple did us proud. I admit, I wasn't too hung up on the name. But Robin had insisted that she be named after her second favourite hockey team (naming herself after the Canucks would have just been plain weird) or the deal was off. Besides, it was a way for us to recognize her in case she was otherwise, well- unrecognizable. And I hate to say it, but she was right.

You could totally tell Robin was milking this for all it was worth. She always loved being the center of attention. Particularly when there were dozens of men pawing at her and shoving money down her barely there lingerie. But of course, she only had eyes for one man and one man only.

It was hard to tell whether any of this was genuine or not, but her efforts looked pretty genuine, the way she practically threw herself at Barney, playing into his lap only long enough before pulling away and playing hard to get- a simpering pout playing naughtily across her face.

Who knew your Aunt Robin could work a stripper pole?

The best part of it was, in all Barney's shock, he bought it. He bought the whole thing. And ate it up like grandma's apple pie. At some point, he even pulled out his phone and recorded this charming little performance. Grinning from ear to ear, I'd never seen Barney so alive since the last time he was in this place, with a girl gyrating on his lap.

I can't believe I actually just said that. But by god- it was the truth. And this- this here, as disturbing as it may have been- was the Barney we knew and loved.

"Hey- hey Maple!" Barney finally got up the courage to call out, waving a few bills in the air. "What does a guy need to do to get a lap dance around here?" He winked and we knew we'd gotten our Barney back.

Robin slunk down onto her hands and knees and padded her way across the stage toward Barney. "For you, big boy…? Ooh, you can get it for free."

I'll admit, that part was perhaps a little too overdone. But we'd clinched it nonetheless.

It was then that everything began to go very very pear shaped. And remember how I said thing were about to get weird earlier on? Well, the weird was about to get weirder.

Barney's phone was lying on the table when Robin had led him away into the secret place backstage where the dancers and their clients went to do their thing. (Whether Robin actually intended on going through with it was beyond me.) But at that moment, Barney's phone rang.

Suspecting it was Scooter, in some sort of panic about where Barney was, I didn't think too hard when I read the call display. What I saw there was not _Scooter, David_ or even _Bill_. What I did see was Barney's brother, James laden across that display screen. I swallowed, realizing how awkward it would be were we to answer that call right now. Unfortunately, I hadn't thought that through very well and picked up anyway.

He didn't even give me the time of day for a greeting and to explain to him that it was Ted, looking after Barney's phone while he was off… supposedly getting lucky with a girl who was not his partner. "Barney- hi. I'm so glad I finally caught you. Look, I don't have time. I just need your help. I… Barney…"

What came next made my jaw drop. The phone slipped from my hand into my lap. James' voice was still ringing out loud and clear across the receiver. Marshall returned my glance, recognizing my shock.

I absently snapped the phone shut. "Nathan's gone missing."


	16. Stage 16: The Jailbird

**A/N: Oh. My God. Hello to you all. I am way sorry for the super mega long wait. Although to be fair, I did say I wouldn't update til Christmas, so this is like an early gift from me to you. And... I can hardly contain myself, I'm so excited about this chapter. (I just totally slapped writer's block right in the face for NaNoWriMo... Waddup! [yeah alright, this year, it did almost kill me]). So. be happy to know that this time around? Way not holding back on the plot lines... Scout's honour. **

**I'll have you know, I've been waiting for this plot to play out for long times and I'm so glad I get to finally share! (And finally "conclude" this cliffy I've had you on for more than a month now... sorry guys. I left you on the hook. ;) ) I will note, we have some shockingly canon same sex coupling going on in this chapter... :O Say wha? Yeah. I know. It's just a shame their names aren't David and Neil. (whose children have adorably tiny fingers if anyone has seen their sneaky Thanksgiving pictures) ;)  
**

** Last but certainly not least, do please review, because I miss you guys' cute little comments rather dearly and it would make a stressed university student mighty happy to hear your thoughts. :)**

Kids, for a while there, I had this idea in my head that we had somehow managed to fix everything. Lily had finally gotten Scooter off her back; Robin had Barney right where she wanted him and Barney's passion for strip clubs was renewed. Until that phone call. And that was when I realized that we'd left one little thing unnoticed.

Of course, it would have been impossible for any of us to even take this tiny little scenario into account- we were hardly aware of the fact that Barney and Scooter had been babysitting Nathan this whole time while we were busy whining and complaining about how Barney had begun to neglect us. Had I known he had been spending much of his time bonding with his nephew, I wouldn't have worried so much. And this whole ridiculous scheme would not have gone down. But there was no knowing what would have happened next had we not put our plan in motion. In fact, it was likely that Nathan would have gone missing regardless of what happened that night.

My first instinct was to call Barney. But something stopped me. I worried how he might react. Maybe we shouldn't tell him right away. What if he flipped out? Marshall was of the opinion that we hold off in case he did something rash- (which of course, Barney was prone to doing).

For now, he was safe with Robin. He'd need a good distraction. With this in mind, Marshall and I exchanged a swift look. And bolted for the door.

"What do we do?" Marshall exclaimed as soon as we were out of the strip club, gesturing emphatically with his hands and doing an otherwise amusing little anxious jig. "Ted- where do we look? What are we supposed to do when your best friend's nephew's been kidnapped?"

"He hasn't been kidnapped," I sighed, trying to keep my rising panic down. One of us had to be the rational one here and knowing Marshall… "It's probably no big deal… He probably wandered out into the street or something."

Marshall's eyes widened. "Oh my god. Oh… my god. Ted. New York is a big, scary place. Particularly for a toddler! Ted, anyone could have picked him up! He could have been grabbed by one of those street gangs or or or… that homeless guy that lives on the corner…"

I frowned. "Where exactly do you think he went missing from?"

Marshall shrugged. "There's a homeless guy living on every corner…"

This made sense to me. I shrugged it off. "Okay. We have to go down and talk to James and figure out where he and Tom saw him last."

"The homeless guy?" Marshall inquired in an unusually high-pitched voice, even for his standards.

"_Nathan_. Come on."

~.~.~.~.~

It took some explaining before James realized we'd failed to inform Barney about the situation when he found us out of breath and keeled over on his door step. It was probably just James freaking out as much as the rest of us (if not more so, being the concerned parent and all), but he seemed to find this new information even more distressing than it should have been.

"I call Barney on his cell expecting to get him over here and I get you two? What could he possibly be doing that could possibly take precedence over his nephew?" James burst as the information sunk in. His partner stood by, easing him onto the couch in their living room after inviting us in. Now, we didn't see Tom that often. In fact, I hadn't really gotten a chance to really sit down and get to know him since his and James' wedding. But he seemed to have gotten a hold of himself where James had not.

"We had him with a sitter while James and I were at work," Tom offered helpfully, running a comforting hand up and down his partner's knee. He squeezed his eyes shut momentarily before glancing back at us. "Ordinarily, I'd stay home with him and work from home, but I had to actually go into the office for an important meeting. Only for an hour or two. When I got back, the sitter was gone and so was Nathan."

I frowned. "Do you have any idea where they went? Have you tried to reach the sitter?"

Tom bit his lip with a nod. Devastation flitting across his face for a moment before he trained his expression. "When I called, she told me someone had shown up and told her that James had sent him to take over until we came home. She said he told her he was a friend of the family's and Nathan seemed familiar with him. So she…"

Here, his resolve seemed to fall to pieces and James reached out to squeeze his hand. "She handed him over and left," James finished for him in a voice barely there. "And now our son is out there with some psychopath and…" he shook his head, unable to even vocalize precisely what his three year old could be out there doing with a complete stranger.

I stole a glance at Marshall who looked completely and utterly horrified, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout and his eyes screwed up and gleaming with fear.

"Okay. Well… hold on. They said they were a family friend. Have you considered any friend who might show up to take him?" I inquired, realizing it was I who had to take the helm of this swiftly sinking ship as the rest of the crew panicked. "I mean- the babysitter_ did_ say Nathan was comfortable around them."

James shook his head. "We've tried. We've made calls to anyone who has been in Nathan's life in even the tiniest of ways but there's just too many…"

"We've called the police," Tom murmured gravely. "They've started a lost child search but they've come up cold thus far. It's been about an hour now… An _hour_!"

Marshall returned my glance, wide eyed. "Ted. We gotta tell Barney. We gotta get Barney and Robin back here. We gotta… they've gotta_ know_! Barney needs to know!"

I was loath to admit it, but Marshall was right. We needed as many hands, eyes, ears, whatever, to get Nathan back as we could get. Especially if they belonged to family. And if Barney cared for his nephew as much as I knew he did, he'd not want to be the last to know. And since I had his cell phone in my coat pocket, we had to call Robin and potentially destroy everything we had been putting into action for the past few hours. But for something like this… it had to be done.

~.~.~.~.~

"Where is he? What happened? WhadidImiss?" Barney burst forth without even knocking, (when did he ever anyway?) Robin close on his heels. Both looked just as disheveled as Marshall and I had been not half an hour previously.

"We came as soon as you called," Robin gasped, attempting to catch her breath. "Have you heard anything since…? D'you know if he's okay?"

The four of us shook our heads. Not a single development since we informed the two of them of the alleged kidnapping. And that had been a good twenty minutes ago.

"Shouldn't someone be here with you guys? An officer or something to keep tabs if one of them finds something?" Robin inquired incredulously, forcing a flustered Barney down into a chair.

James shook his head somberly. "They said they'd call if they found anything. We've heard nothing."

"Why would someone _do_ this?" Barney gasped, teary eyed and biting his knuckles to show just how much of a wreck he was. "I mean… he's so cute and small and he can't hurt anyone and…" He suddenly sat ramrod straight in his chair. "The suit. _Tell me_ he wasn't wearing a suit!"

"Barney," James addressed him seriously. Barney's lip quivered. "He wasn't wearing a suit. That's only for when both of us are home."

Barney let out a breath of relief, slumping back in his seat. "Thank god. I don't know what I'd be more worried about: the three year old or the three piece."

It was at that moment, the phone rang. We all sucked in a breath as James scrambled across the coffee table for it. "Hello?" his hands were shaking with anticipation for what he hoped was good news, yet still holding expectations for the worst. Tom crossed his fingers from next to him, pressing a hand to his mouth. "Yes. Yes? You have?" All the tension released from his face in that moment. That must have been a good thing. Surely. "Oh. Oh my god. Thank you so much, officer. You have no idea how worried we've been. We'll come down to the station right away."

James ran a palm vertically down his face as he hung up with a deep exhalation of relief. "They found him. They caught the guy and they have them both at the station. Oh my _god_… My baby's _okay_." He threw himself into Tom's arms as they rejoiced at the news. Barney got up to join them, throwing an awkward arm over his brother's back.

"Alright!" Robin exclaimed as soon as the little family broke apart. "Let's go pick up that kid!"

~.~.~.~.~

I'd always imagined New York police stations to be just bursting with action- gang members cuffed and struggling wildly, kicking and spitting at their captors because that was the only thing they could physically do besides verbally attack them… joy riders smashing stolen cars through windows… raging drunks smashing bottles the offers had somehow not managed to wrench out of their hands… fist fights amongst the prisoners… angry, tattoo ridden skin heads looking to incur the scowl of death upon anyone who so much as glanced at them…

Yeah. This particular police station was pretty tame. _None_ of that happened. Not a single car smashed through the window or a single gun was raised. What we did find however, was a slightly distraught little boy in want of a father or two. He reached for James when James reached for him from the arms of a female officer and he was pulled into a fierce embrace.

"Oh, Nate. Don't ever scare your daddies like that," he gasped, running his fingers through his son's downy head of flaxen hair.

While the rest of us looked on, Barney's focus was elsewhere (once he got over the initial relief of seeing his nephew in one piece). I frowned, chancing a glance in his direction. His gaze was far off in a distant almost completely unseen corner of the station. His mouth fell open as he almost mechanically made his way toward the holding cells.

"Barney…" I warned, trailing swiftly at his back. "Barney what are you-"

And then it all became abundantly clear what was going on. Or… partially clear anyway. We were missing a few pieces to the puzzle as of right then, but certain things began to make much more sense as Barney's fingers curled around the bars of the middle cell. His eyes gleamed with unshed tears.

There stood Scooter, directly facing Barney from behind prison bars, his brown eyes wide and ashamed of his current situation. His expression gave insight into his internal struggle and it was clear he didn't want Barney to see him like this. He hung his head in shame. "Barney, I can explain."

Barney shook his head, his teeth clamping down on his bottom lip to keep it from quivering. And then your Uncle Barney said the single most naïve, misguided thing I've ever heard him say.

"You found him."


	17. Stage the Last: The Parting Words

**A/N: Well, this is terribly spontaneous and random... I didn't think when I sat down tonight that I'd be drawing this to a close. But as my stories seem to go, they naturally conclude themselves. I'm really thrilled with the ending, even if it might be lacking detail. I did try adding it in, but it just didn't feel right. But I hope you'll all be pleasantly surprised with the turn of events because I certainly am, considering it felt very future Ted's end of episode narrative close to me. It's been so much fun sharing another story of mine with you. (If any of you are Harry Potter fans and interested in reading more of my stuff, go check out my other fics. I hear they're very good. ;) ) But for now, I assure you, for me (and i hope for you too) this story has been legen... wait for it...**  
**Dary! ^^**

"I'll do anything! Anything you want!" Barney begged, practically down on his knees in front of the officers who had accompanied us. Marshall, Robin and I all exchanged worried glances. We were all familiar with Barney's coping strategies. His habitual lies had spun a need in him to paint his own picture of how all of this had turned out. So, in some twisted way, what Barney saw in all of this made perfect sense… to him.

I dared a glance in Scooter's direction, half hoping he'd play along if only to refrain from breaking Barney's heart and half hoping he'd deny it and admit the truth. Here we were in a dangerous situation. One the one hand, Barney would get hurt (real bad), on the other, Scooter would get into even more trouble than he was already in. And really, I know I shouldn't say this about someone I barely knew and who seemed to be nothing but a nice guy, but the dude had it coming to him. At least, that was what crossed my mind at the time. After all those years of quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) stalking Lily, he needed some sort of major wake up call.

"Major Wake Up Call…" both Robin and I saluted in mutual agreement, smiling wistfully at the long lived inside joke of ours.

"Look," the police officer began, looking less than impressed with Barney's groveling. "Someone'll have to pay his bail if you want him out. Considering he's been found guilty in a kidnapping, this is not a trivial ordeal."

"What?" Barney spluttered, swiftly shifting his glance between the officer and Scooter, who remained with a desperate gleam in his eyes as he clutched the bars of his cell. "W-what do you mean? Kidnapping? He could never kidnap anyone! How could you- why would you… There's no possible way…"

"Barney," Scooter tried, shaking his head.

Barney mirrored Scooter's gesture all the more frantically. "No! No- I know this man and I know he would never do such a thing! There must be some kind of mistake! Tell 'em. Just… tell 'em, Bill. Tell 'em they're wrong. That you're innocent!"

He stared at Scooter, waiting. Waiting for those words he expected. Conflict was rife in the imprisoned man's face. It was painful to even watch as he struggled to come to a conclusion as to how to break it to Barney. "I-I can't. Barney…" he started, jutting out his lower lip in a quivering pout. "I-I just… when we were with him and talking about kids… I just- I wanted that so badly for us and I just… I just wanted to hold him again. So I went to your brother's place and the babysitter was there. And then she left and I was alone with Nathan and I just thought…"

Barney's hands were shaking as he pulled the nearest police officer toward him by the collar. "See? He's innocent! _Innocent_ I tells ya! It was an accident- a misunderstanding! For the love of all things holy let the man go-ha-ho!"

There was much more of that. The groveling. The whole Scooter trying very hard to explain the situation in terms that Barney would understand. It never quite struck me until that moment how very childlike Barney could be sometimes. Honest to god, it was like trying to explain to a six year old why you had to flush their beloved goldfish down the toilet.

But eventually, we bailed Scooter out of the slammer and took him home in order for him and Barney to sort things out on their own. Once they were safe at Barney's apartment, we went back to check on James to make sure he and Tom were coping alright after their ordeal. I couldn't possibly have begun to comprehend how they had felt at the real threat of losing their child at that point, but kids, if anything like that were to ever happen to either of you, well… let's just say your ol' man wouldn't be idly sitting around waiting. Oh, I'd be out there, tearing apart New York, overturning buildings just to find you. Plus I don't trust the police… they're not nearly as cool as in the movies.

Anyway… that was that. Barney and Scooter sorted out their differences and Nathan got home safely. Lily and Marshall even reconciled, now knowing Scooter would no longer threaten their marriage or try to win Lily back. And as for your Aunt Robin and I…

Ah, who am I kidding? There's still far more of this story to tell! Where was I? So, Barney and Scooter went back to Barney's place. And thence commenced one of the most serious conversation Barney had ever had with a romantic partner since he had started dating Robin a while back.

"Barney…" Scooter was the one to start it all off. "I think I need help."

Barney blinked, not looking directly at him but at some spot behind his ear. "_Yeah ya do_. Come on, you want _kids_! Enough to borrow my brother's! I mean really? Who _does_ that? You didn't even _ask_!"

"I know," Scooter replied quietly, slumping down on the end of Barney's mammoth bed. "That's- that's the point. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve you. Just like I didn't deserve Lily. And that's why she left me." Scooter sniffed, reaching up to wipe his nose with the back of his hand. Barney opened his mouth to advise him not to wipe it against his expensive bedspread but thought better of it.

"But _I_ haven't left you!" Barney insisted, rushing forward in order to kneel down before him, taking up Scooter's hands in his. They rested there, fingers intertwined in Scooter's lap. "I'm still right here! And I'm _way _awesomer than that chick."

Scooter blinked. "Barney?" he inquired anxiously, giving his hands a squeeze to reassure himself. "If I wanted kids… would you… would you want to… I mean… That is to say, would you help me get there, in whatever way we can?"

Barney searched Scooter's face for a long while. "I-I don't think that's a wise idea." He forced a small sad smile.

Scooter nodded solemnly. "Yeah… you're probably right." He let out a long, drawn out sigh. "I mean, I'm probably a basket case right now. I couldn't be a father in this state."

Barney scoffed. "Yeah. There's _that_. _That _and it's_ kids. _And do you really _really_ want _kids_? To tie you down with their crying and their feeding and their pooping and the not sleeping and the attention seeking… it all just seems like such a waste of energy. You wouldn't want that. Would you?"

Scooter's eyes gleamed. "Well… yeah. I kind of would. We wouldn't be here, like this if I didn't. And I know you don't mean any of that. I've seen you with your nephew. I've seen how you are with kids. You love them. And you're probably lying every time you tell me you don't want them as much as I do."

"But if I have kids with you that means we'll be together forever and I don't think I'm ready for that!" he blurted out in one quick breath, so fast that it was difficult for Scooter to truly understand. "I-I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that."

"I-I can wait!" Scooter insisted without hesitation. He nodded frantically. "Yeah. I-I'm really good at waiting. There's nothing I do better than waiting! But I think… I think if I have to wait for you, I'll have to find help. And… that might mean spending time away from you for a while."

Barney blinked. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that if this isn't a step you're ready to take right now, then I think we need some time apart. Just until we can sort out what we both want."

"You're breaking up with me," Barney murmured bluntly, finally realizing the weight of Scooter's words. Deep inside, his heart plummeted. It wasn't supposed to end like this! Barney knew he shouldn't be feeling like this, especially after everything that had happened courtesy of Robin not a few hours before… He may not have felt it, not then, back stage at one of his favourite strip clubs, but he felt it now, that tug at his chest that whisked all the air away from him. His hand slipped down from Scooter's lap.

Scooter shook his head. "No. No, that's not even close to what I'm doing. I'm just saying I need time to figure out what I really want and obviously you do too. I can't keep doing this- this crazy going around fooling myself like this. I mean… it's just- just getting worse all the time. And the worst of it is is that I never know that I'm doing it until it's too late. And by then, I've followed Lily home and I'm doing things I wouldn't ordinarily do and now I'm transferring it onto you. And I don't want to be crazy. Not with you. I need some time to reevaluate my emotions."

Kids, if this sounds out of character to you, it was as big a shock to me. None of us thought Scooter had it in him to truly see into himself and realize there was something horrifically wrong with him. But deep down, I was relieved he came to the conclusion before Barney did. Because it was obvious that Barney wouldn't handle it seriously. So, Barney and Scooter had to go their separate ways. For now, anyway. And from that day onward, I felt more respect for Scooter than I'd ever felt before.

He'd gone on to see a psychiatrist. One who helped him with his neediness and his past denials concerning Lily and what could have easily manifested itself with Barney as well. When that started to fall through, he entered a rehabilitation center for people who suffered from delusions like him.

Meanwhile, things were beginning to get back to normal with the gang. Our nights at MacLaren's were full again. Full of the five of us, just hanging out like the good ol' days. Barney even eventually got himself back out onto the market. And I was his wingman. I pulled all the stops for him when he needed me most. I put up with all his ridiculous lies just to bed a few women, but even then, I could see his heart wasn't in it any more. He missed Scooter.

It was a full year before they were reunited. And by then, Marshall and Lily were starting a family and I- well, I'd finally met your mother. And as for your Uncle Barney, he knew exactly what he wanted as soon as he saw it. No questions asked. On that fateful cold, rainy, New York day in Central Park, soaked through his skin in his best suit, he was back in Scooter's arms. Brought together by completely chance meetings. And they never looked back.

And that kids, is how your Uncle Barney met your Uncle Scooter.

And of course, won Marshall's challenge.


End file.
